Focus

To really focus on something is to devote attention, time and mindfulness toward it. Be it an action, a believe, a movement, a learning. In this world of half distracted messages interrupting table conversations, of emails buzzing to be read and of having holidays to really disconnect, what are we doing really? What are we doing in any shape or form that improves our lives, or those around us?

Continued conversations on what next? What should you build for yourself? What should you focus on?

I went ahead and took a plunge, into something I have never done in all my years of career so far. Joining industry!

Well, I did want a shakeup didn't I?

More so, a movement internally, in the mindset, in crossing this metaphorical threshold of 30. THIRTY.

Which is really nothing in terms of years on this earth. It's not even half way in a proportionate long average life situation, whatsmore in the context of earth, the universe and everything else in between.

Context always applies!

Tired

It has been a highly charged, stressful time stretching back almost a year ago by now. Challenging in ways entirely and directly linked to career trajectories, and the people at the center of an organisation.

You see, it becomes an entire different universe the moment you step into a work setting. Whereas in school you just needed to game the system, here, there is no set system in place to help you survive what work is, what your worth is, with someone telling you that you are not good enough with little to no proof of who you are as a person or the effort and sacrifice you have put in, into this blasted activity that helps pay for your survival and your many many wants and shiny trinkets that provide momentary satisfaction and happiness. (truly though tango shoes do make me, very very happy).

There have been moments of pure anxiety and stress and being someone who does not forgive or forget easily, it has been a real challenge to my own sanity to have survived this period without utterly and entirely breaking down.

There also comes a point where reflection happens and did I know that close to 30 I’d be where I am, doing the things I’m doing, facing the people I’m facing and dealing with the things I’m dealing with? Actually, honestly, yes. I knew that my ambition and drive would always be the cause of my own anxiety, I knew that the worrywart in me was never going to go away. I knew the grit of solving a math problem for hours at age 16 was never going to go away. I knew that if I had to run a marathon I would run it. Because there is no such thing as quitting, because there is no such thing as not being able to do it, if you put the effort into it. That has always been my motto and that is always something that I believe defines who I am.

So yes, more sleep is definitely required, a reset is definitely required. All the rest, just noise. 

Throwback

Been wandering through old photos since my Iphone needs more storage space and really having #tbt moments.

2/4 weddings for this year, 1 from work, 1 from Tango, 1 from Uni and 1 from High School. A whole spectrum of my life activities for me to observe and realise how long it's been since all these checkpoints in life. Funnily enough also a reverse timeline for me.

That juxtoposed against some very sad news coming in from family. Ageing. We spend our teenage years wanting to be independent, we spend our college years "making the most of it" while still stressing over careers and the future. We spend our 20's and 30's climbing up an imaginary ladder that will lead us somewhere. We spend our 40's either worrying about teenage kids or wondering what went wrong if we're still single/divorced.

Pulling back is always something I need to do. Being the youngest cousin of the lot, I am encountering a lot of issues with this concept of ageing because so, so many of the relations are slowly falling apart. White hair showing, wrinkles showing, serious illnesses manifesting left, right and center. I sometimes want to run away from this all, I'm not even 30 but sometimes I feel, looking at the picture back then and now that there are imperceptible shadows and shades of weariness and tiredness that are starting to creep up on me. No longer the SYT eh? Nope.

Forge on. I'll fight perceptions the rest of my life if I have to.

Checking In

6 month project in Sg has seen me move across the boundaries for a M-F job. So far hours have been hectic and I have yet to picture an outcome, which is..worrying at best. Catastrophic at worst, but you know, life will sort its shit out eventually. And nothing is as bad as it seems, unless it's a death. Then yes, it's really as bad as it seems.

Singapore so far has been a hectic world-wind of dancing, brunching, lunching, dinner-ing and a bit of drinking thrown in for good measure. There's quite a bit about being away from home (much like Uni felt) that often unleashes a very *ahem* manic Id side of me that the other sides often feel the backlash of for, far, far too long.

Crossing boats. Always. Why is that? Is it more of the fact I need to introduce more recklessness into my KL lifestyle, or is it that KL just isn't a conducive environment for it? Probably the latter.

But what can I change right? Forging my own career and destiny often felt like something I would look to pa for approval for, now that he's gone I often feel more adrift than ever. Elated at the possibilities, but so, so fearful because there are no check-ins anymore. Welcome to adulthood, here's the keys now go.

Life happens like that.

The hardest thing you will ever do...

What is it? I've never been one to give up, in fact, I've never reached the point where I've said I would give up. But last Saturday at 7am in the morning, I sat on the rocks on the final stretch of Mt Rinjani and uttered the words, "guys, I don't think I can do this".

There is something very scary about looking inside and finding...nothing. Nothing but a gaping abyss where once your goals and hopes and dreams used to once upon a time sit. Nothing in the strength of motivation or that little niggling competitiveness that pushes you to want to even TRY. Nothing.

That stretch of Mt Rinjani could act as a metaphor for my work life currently, where sometimes I just sit back, look at what I'm doing and wonder whether there's anything more to this. I do not want to be 40 and be facing the same set of work. I really don't. That is what I'm so sure at this point, if of nothing else.

Anyway, Rinjani was a refreshing, albeit an out of character moment for me, normally I would be the person hauling everyone else up the mountain but this time I just felt. Tired. Mentally and physically. That being said, some of the best moments on this trip proved to me as it always happens to be, that when you put your mind to it, you can do anything. Absolutely anything. Even when you have nothing left to pull out.

Other moments like sitting by a firelight, finally feeling warm. There's something so elemental about a fire, after all we are reliant on aircons most of the time, but a fire? A fire for warmth and not for cooking...now that is a treat, and makes me marvel at how life can be so different by circumstance. I could be in a tent in the middle of a Sahara living a nomadic lifestyle, or at the top of the highest skyscraper on this earth. All because of where I am born, and maybe that's what is so interesting about life, that everyone lives it so, so differently, and yet we only catch but an inkling of what life is like for some people outside of the radius of our normal lives. And maybe this was always the case through history? That everyone lived so differently, settled across continents, lives taking shape and taking root until we all ended up with different languages, culture, skin colour, food.

Stories, stories of death. Of life. Of magical caves that deem you worthy of entering. Of seven mysterious deaths off a cliff. Of things within the crater lake. Things that you respect. Especially when being told in the dead of the night in a forest. Good god.

Sometimes you're faced with unexplained things, which you have to just accept as is. There are things in this world that cannot be explained. Reality is at best tenuous.

Dive in!

That's what it takes. No more assessments and weightings of pros and cons, cost benefit analysis (CBA wtf), but just pure, unadulterated JUMPING IN.

At the age of 25, where the heck am I. Working. Sorta. Functioning, adult with own spending money and often just trying to act like a grown up. Meeting KLASS friends is such a throwback and one that is so different in the way that, we are interacting as we've always done and yet having forgotten a lot of the forging of ties that occurred way back when. Shared jokes, bonds, actions and how we've affected each other, quarrelled with each other, been mad with each other. Yet at the end of it, creating and inhabiting the present in what we once termed the future, with such a...clean slate.

Food for thought alright.

Mentally & Physically Exhausted

Marathon of interviews and so, so, so close to the finish line. But unless I take the next few steps everything that was previously done was for naught so fight on!

Viper challenge today, sunburnt face and arms, bruised knees and thighs, acheing knees and probably sore everything tomorrow. But we persevered. No one will come and get you, so what is your choice but to soldier on? Good teamwork, good effort, climbing 10 feet boards is a bitch and so is climbing hills without water. This is what I live for. Moments like these. 6 hours of chaos.

Now for a well deserved rest tomorrow.

Purgatory

I'm fighting a lot of inner demons recently but I'm sure I'll come out the stronger of it eventually.

Just to keep stock of what's going on:

1) Tango weekend next weekend with Wesak day+Tangoblitz starting on Thursday + Chinese Tea Ceremony on Saturday!
2) Skytrex + Wedding
3) Singapore with Lulu!
4) 2 week Europe Vacay
5) Stanchart Marathon
6) Melaka Wedding
7) Shanghai

This will last me the next 2 months. Chaos & Fun, here I come!

Blackholes

Swirling instances of time passing, laughter, clinking glasses of wine, late night scrapbooking, pink toenails and slate grey fingertips. Hours and hours spent crunching numbers, flights to catch, moments away from this reality. THIS reality.

Running on a never ending road, being chased by zombies and memories of imagination. The silent pounding of half marathon runners at 6 am starts in the dark and rompe played at full blast. Pacing. Pacing. Pacing.

Goals achieved. Let's rewind this year again. More goals.


Now 2012, what shall I do with you?

1) Get promoted
2) Run a half marathon
3) Travel to someplace new
4) Kick bootcamp ass!
5) Keep saving money!

Things that inspire

So recently a whole slate of things have been building up that I've slowly discovered about Malaysia (KL really) that have made me really want to be able to call something my own ala:

Friendly Fashion: For awesome Ebay style clothes swap/sell forum

Ong Shunmugam (Sg really): For updated cheongsams and GORGEOUS lace

The Last Polka: For totally Malaysian ice cream

Mollydookers/Artisan: For delicious coffee!

Culturerun: For teaching new skills

Thirty-Four: For bags I am saving up to buy

OJ Law, Yuna, Zee: For proudly Malaysian artistes

Man, seriously, makes me want to start something!

To be grateful

We are always constantly reminded to be happy with what we have, materially and spiritually. It doesn't take much to be reminded how important this is. From seeing the homeless sleep in the center of kl city, to hearing people worry about affording houses and starting families, to global riots caused by jobless youth read in magazines of airport lounges.

Today reminded me why I should not complain about life. That right now I am happy, satisfied with where I am. Yet this is not an excuse for not chasing dreams, rather it acts more as a counterbalance so that I don't fly too high above reality and end up thinking my life is so tough.

Never forget this time of youth, where every opportunity lies ahead of you. Yet also do not be disheartened by failures or disillusions. Life is good, life is what you make of it. Cry if you have to, smile all the time, let things go, show people you care for them without thought of return.

Feel, because then you know you are human. Life has been busy, I have solid plans for the next 2 foreseeable months. And this keeps me active and looking forward. You need that, to stay alive to stay in control and relevant. Streets race, ong shunmugam cheongsam, titanic 3d, tennis, bootcamp, tango, work, Italy.

The guardrails are starting to come up again, because, when you let everything go, you realize how far you can fall.

It's one of those days

A million thoughts often pass my head from the moment I wake up to the moment my head hits the pillow. Meetings, people to meet, people I should meet, people I should be keeping up with and recently it feels as though I'm not doing that. That every single day there's someone out there that I should be catching up with about life and all I'm doing is chasing appointments, making appointments and forgetting them just as easily. There's not enough time in the day to truly catch up with everyone who means something to me. Sporadic emails, calls, txts, messages, across phones, skypes, gchats, face to face meetings. Schedule has been on a hectic roll very recently as slowly but surely everyone finds their niches and re-establishes themselves after university.

It's a fun time, but also so far removed from a time where I had classes, lectures, YHO events, meetings. I remind myself of Sheldon in some ways, in that there's always a schedule-except mine is just to NOT stop moving-. But I think the thing I fear most is to jump off that bandwagon into a non-schedule-less world. That would scare me. Because it would make me realize that despite all my movement, it really accounts to nothing in the end, the world is not going to stop spinning.

Utterly S*** Scared

I've never ever ever ever been one to back down from competition. Never. If I think I'm good enough I am and even if I lose, it's because of some other factor that comes into play. That was my mentality when I was younger. Somehow age has tempered that irrationality a bit too much for my liking until now all I do is proceed with caution. A lot of caution. Too much caution!

I need that confidence, where the eff has it gone. I need that assurance that was once there, even without the results to prove it. Sometimes I think life teaches you to be bipolar, to split parts of you into sections and segments, to hide one part from the other, to blank out certain parts, to put on the blinkers as such. Sometimes for your own good, other times detrimental to who you are.

-Person you are at the core
-Person you'd like to be
-Person you are to others

When do they ever gel? Rarely.

Wednesday

I post best when I'm feeling emotions. But sometimes they really are overwhelming to the point I turn incoherent.

Spent Wednesday with Judy in Kerrytown, back to the fishnchip place, god their salmon burger is awesome. It was a fun time wandering among stores, trying cupcakes, acting stupid with cookie-cutter cutouts and awesome awesome paper prints. More trinket stores and a spice shop which just made me want to have a kitchen like Nigella's and cook exotic spiced food everyday, then I get brought back down to earth by remembering how lazy I would be to do that every single day and more likely than not the spice would sit there until it turned mouldy or something.

Zingerman's for dessert, awesome cake as always. Took the bus up north, wandered around the dude and the reflection pool then headed up to find the wave field by the FXB where more random photo-taking ensured. Headed home and finished cooking the risotto before Tango.

Irrationality creeps in at the worst times. Always. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much, but perhaps feeling is better than being an ice cold block. At least that's what they say.

Restless

Sometimes I wish classes were still on, because then I feel that you really appreciate the freedom of time just that much more.

I should be packing up the kitchen, taking care of the million and one things that need to be taken care of. But I can't bring myself to even start. Of course, knowing the panicky me that I often turn into, there's not much point packing up the kitchen just yet because I'm still using a lot of the things, and I guess packing can be done in a day.

I just can't bring myself to tear down the pictures from the walls yet. Because then I'll really be leaving. Maybe my mind's already back home, and all I'm doing here is walking through the motions. Seem to have lost a lot of motivation as this year's gone on. Plenty of people have told me I should be taking that well deserved rest, but problem is I really don't think I've deserved it. There's so much more to life that has to be lived and I've barely done anything worth mentioning.

Lists to do.

I think its creeping into my tango. For the life of me, couldn't get some connections going, and at one point just zoned out when the teaching was going on. When you're present, but not really, present.

Isn't it funny when you appear on one front to be so happy, when really underneath there's just a seething mass of confused thought. Sometimes you grab at emotions, elated one moment, apprehensive the next. I need to lose myself in a moment again, to really savour it.

Distractions

It's that time of the year again. No, not Christmas. End of Fall Semester finals. The moment where everyone ditches the bars/clubs/parties for the UGLI/Grad Library/Dude/Anywhere with a table and chair!

Where competition heats up..."Dude, I like totally didn't sleep last night coz I was finishing my 10 page paper/studying for my final.." "Well dude I've gotten 5 hrs of sleep in the past 3 days"...quite pathetic I feel. First off, coz it's probably your own fault that you didn't start a 10 page paper before 3 finals landed on you. Sometimes I think it's totally pathetic that we attempt to justify how hard working we are by measuring how little sleep we get.


Meanwhile I'm procrastinating from reading about Heteroskedasticity as always by blogging. I'm not sure why, I think it just gives me an avenue to lay down my thoughts before I turn mental over my panic about my grade for 406. I mean I've been anticipating this final ever since I totally bombed the Midterm and I HAVE to get high marks. There's nothing to it. That's the only way I'm even going to scrape a B.

Not at a happy place right now.

It's like...

Lack of sleep... 
Terribly careless quiz...
Unable to sign up for a class...
Rejected for a position...
Classes where you dno wats going on...
Work...
Rainy day without umbrella...
Cooking...
Uncooperative Laundry...
Paper and homework...
Morning work..
Class...
Meeting...
Groceries...
Repeat.

Sometimes it's like...not your day. Period.

And the worst part is where you don't even know what makes you feel happy anymore.

I've always stated that I write best when I'm feeling emotional and I seem to have dipped back into it again. Maybe I'll run a regression on my happiness and on the right is definitely a -exam coefficient.

But perhaps my R bar squared wnt increase =S. WTF. I hate econometrics.

No not really, there seems to be a barrier with that subject. It's as thought I'm set into this self-fulfilling prophecy that since I bombed the midterm I have no more faith in my ability to score high and therefore by doing so actually explicitly impact how well I do. Pygmalion in the classroom for sure.

I'm really a coward. As much as I say I like a challenge I totally shrink when I fail to conquer it. I only like challenges when I win. Which is totally the wrong frame of mind to be in.
I realize that framing is always important. If you think the day will be good and act as though it will, the stars will probably align and it shall! Either that or expect the worst in everything and have a laugh. Like how I expected the laundry wouldn't be done when I went down 5 flights and lo and behold there were 10 mins left. So I sighed and trudged back into the lift and went up to cook.

Sometimes you just have to accept things.

Is it bad that sometimes my happiest part of the day is when I go to bed.

Feel the burn

8/10 Free Throws,
15 mins of running
50 mins of TBC

Things are looking brighter. At least less conflict within myself now. Endorphins are my best drug.
Maybe it's time I was happy I'm graduating. Screw work, I have 30 yrs to worry bout that, for now everyone else seems so excited I'm graduating, and I should be too.

I <3 my family.

Everything's gna be alright.

Brain Dead

Mckinsey PST screwed me over. 3 hours of flyering and I'm sick of promoting the event before it even started. But maybe finally the YHO spirit takes over. It's like that last push at the last stretch of a race. Where you feel the lactic acid building up but you push through it anyway. Where your breaths are short, hurried, strangled, yet you take in one last gasp and power on. Pain is good.

At the risk of failing everything else. Balance. I need some right about now.

Lol, I listed the activities of the day sometime ago, and not one included school or classtime. How bout we just get rid of that part? Have everything but class. That's what it sure seems like right now.