Fly me to the moon

Fly me to the Moon
let me play among the stars

Swings and things, mozzie bites and kisses under a moonlight sky. If there's anything I enjoy it's a soundtrack set to life and boy you are good at that.

Saw Ed and Steve for the last time, highly entertaining night involving excellent Thai food and George Bush's severed finger + Subtitles for foreign students. Ah, I shall miss them.

Scent of a Woman was a pretty engaging film, I now know why Por Una Cabeza is such a famous Tango song, but Al Pacino's performance was definitely riveting. The days are inching slowly to a close.

Wednesday

I post best when I'm feeling emotions. But sometimes they really are overwhelming to the point I turn incoherent.

Spent Wednesday with Judy in Kerrytown, back to the fishnchip place, god their salmon burger is awesome. It was a fun time wandering among stores, trying cupcakes, acting stupid with cookie-cutter cutouts and awesome awesome paper prints. More trinket stores and a spice shop which just made me want to have a kitchen like Nigella's and cook exotic spiced food everyday, then I get brought back down to earth by remembering how lazy I would be to do that every single day and more likely than not the spice would sit there until it turned mouldy or something.

Zingerman's for dessert, awesome cake as always. Took the bus up north, wandered around the dude and the reflection pool then headed up to find the wave field by the FXB where more random photo-taking ensured. Headed home and finished cooking the risotto before Tango.

Irrationality creeps in at the worst times. Always. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much, but perhaps feeling is better than being an ice cold block. At least that's what they say.

Tuesday

I'm not a daily blogger, mainly because reading back on day blogs from KLASS days was just mundane detailing of the days events. Yet I have decided to attempt to be one for this final week of A2 days just because. Maybe I'll read back on it and the little details will slip my mind, but most likely these posts will just act as a trigger until some far time into the future where the current dates and days become days in the past, no longer holding sentimental meanings as I say goodbye to those in the future present.

So yesterday after a bout of tennis thrashing by Allison, I headed to Cafe Japon with Dian and Fareza to try out their tea special. Cakes were awesome, tea was good, company was great. Though the reminiscing on life and future was quite depressing. Cameras out in full force. Headed to some antique shop where I picked up a great pair of earrings for 6 bucks and then off to the public library where I found another faerie door! Then wading through the pond outside the League in a bid to finish off the tradition that was started at orientation.

Tried the Jolly Pumpkin with Ami and Paul, good cocktails, amazing fries and again, excellent company. It was an entertaining night that began with the question, "if a girl kisses another girl on a drunken night and that pisses off her bf, does that count as cheating?". This night was finished off with Paul administering the census in my living room =.=. lol.

Today, north campus exploring with Judy and Kerrytown Farmers market/lunch. Ah bliss. Last Tango lesson tonight.

It's funny that once I stop thinking of this as "lasts" I start to enjoy it so much more. Am I ready to leave, mentally prepared, physically, totally not! 2nd step: Folding and taping the boxes ready for the stuff. Everytime Fareza talks to me she asks how packing is progressing and all I can say is...it's not going anywhere quite yet. It's only Wednesday, I'll have time.

I fell into sleep grasping your palms in mine and soon I could no longer feel them in that state between waking and slumber but I knew you were there and perhaps I found peace. Just act as though we have all the time in the world, and I'll be fine, because when I stop moving my thoughts catch up with me. So can I keep running? It's learning to let go when the time comes that's the hardest thing to accept.

Hmm

The Bell Jar is a pretty good read, definitely recognizable as Sylvia Plath's writing through and through. Definitely not a read for when you're down though otherwise it might be a bit too overwhelming.

Monday. One week from today and it'll be my last day in Ann Arbor. For now, I'm just going to enjoy my time, attempt to finish the bucket list, sort out my life. For today, dinner with the girls and movie after, then shisha =).

Today, I took down the Christmas lights. My first step to pack up my life here. Everything kinda brings back memories, Christmas lights at 1009 church on a snowy day, under blankets, watching gossip girl. I physically sit here, but my mind is mentally mapping out everything I need to do over the next few days. Balance of severing all physical ties with this place and going all out with experiencing the things that are only ever done when you're on that last leg of time. Funny isn't it? 3 years of being here and there are still places I'm discovering that I need to go, things to do. Mainly food related of course. You never really appreciate things til you can't have or do them anymore.

Maybe that's why I hate leaving, the forced thoughts of "this is it, this is the last time I'm going to walk down this path, eat here, drink here." It wasn't really woven into the fabric of everyday life, but of course we all want to try new things before the chance is taken away from us.

Even after all the connections are gone. I'll have the memories.

Monday-Watched Babies with the girls and shisha sesh after.

新不了情

曾经拥有,
天荒地老,
已不见你,
暮暮与朝朝。

这一份情,
永远难了,
愿 来生还能,
再度拥抱。

爱一个人,
如何斯守到老,
怎样面对一切,
我不知道。

Ah, I've always loved 不了情 but this one can definitely give it a run for its money. Sometimes lyrics seem to capture everything you feel or need to say.

Confusion. I don't know what to think or feel anymore, and yes, I will read this in the future and laugh at the stupidity that is me right now. But sometimes you can't be rational or embarrassed at what you feel anymore. I care too much and sometimes I just have to learn to grow up and be more independent. Urgh.

Restless

Sometimes I wish classes were still on, because then I feel that you really appreciate the freedom of time just that much more.

I should be packing up the kitchen, taking care of the million and one things that need to be taken care of. But I can't bring myself to even start. Of course, knowing the panicky me that I often turn into, there's not much point packing up the kitchen just yet because I'm still using a lot of the things, and I guess packing can be done in a day.

I just can't bring myself to tear down the pictures from the walls yet. Because then I'll really be leaving. Maybe my mind's already back home, and all I'm doing here is walking through the motions. Seem to have lost a lot of motivation as this year's gone on. Plenty of people have told me I should be taking that well deserved rest, but problem is I really don't think I've deserved it. There's so much more to life that has to be lived and I've barely done anything worth mentioning.

Lists to do.

I think its creeping into my tango. For the life of me, couldn't get some connections going, and at one point just zoned out when the teaching was going on. When you're present, but not really, present.

Isn't it funny when you appear on one front to be so happy, when really underneath there's just a seething mass of confused thought. Sometimes you grab at emotions, elated one moment, apprehensive the next. I need to lose myself in a moment again, to really savour it.

Mind wander

Maybe half the problem is that we often live in memories. Replaying events, words said. If there's anything that will drive you nuts, it's probably holding onto something for a bit too long that it starts to burn. I'd rather live in the present.

I need to be challenged again. Find something that gets the blood racing, reconnect with things I love, like a sweaty saturday tennis match, or shooting hoops.

Partings when you force them seem to fake. It doesn't really hit you that you've said bye to someone until you're chatting to them online and realizing that, well parting doesn't mean goodbye forever. You'd still talk to the person, it's just that your lives aren't running alongside each other anymore, you aren't immersed in each others lives anymore like interwoven threads of fabric. You can't just call them up and tell them to meet you in 5 minutes.

But yes, you will still keep in contact, and slowly but surely as life goes on, you become less relevant to each other, and updates come in email lines, first regularly, then slowly sporadically.

I guess I've had enough experience with that, said goodbye to enough friends, but I understand how connections work. If its strong enough, it remains. It really does, which is why I'm less worried now about leaving this phase in life, because its not a do all, end all. Paths cross.

把悲傷留給自己

It's time to move on. Do what you preach.

Courses were set a long time ago. Appreciate the fact they were allowed to cross so briefly, but don't long for more. That's all there is to it. You threw it off course for a little while, so I have to keep reminding myself, don't go hunting for ladybugs. Just don't have expectations, that's when you'll be pleasantly surprised. Of course the danger is that one too many surprises and the expectations start forming.

Maybe I wasn't as strong as I thought I could be. But no biggie, you reminded me that I have to be. There really isn't an alternative.It's hard thinking that crossing some arbitrary threshold I can no longer call you mine. But what can you do with courses set long before anything happened. It's been a short time but it feels so much longer than that. You keep saying there's so much more to find out about, maybe all I want is to feel this. now.

For now I'll just fall.

Against all Odds

Certain songs bring back memories of points in times. Of meanings hidden. This is why I say that love stories are lies. They are never unique to you.

Maybe I've finally adjusted to the body pillow instead of the bolster, the right side instead of the left, your arms around me through the night. At this point I wish I had more time, but I guess there's no point in the what ifs or maybes, perhaps or could haves. Time exists now to curl our hands around, to entangle in our grasp before it too slips away like a momentary feeling. A fleeting kiss, an embrace all too soon forgotten. Things in memories remain pure, untainted by uncertainly, a distillation of emotions.

Sometimes I wonder how I'll adjust to not having you around, sometimes I believe I'll be ok. Sometimes, I wish I could live inside my head and its replaying memories.

When people are around we say, "I'll see them another time, we have all the time in the world." But one day when they're gone, we lament the missed opportunities, the excuses we made up because we just cannot be bothered.

Some Enchanted Evening

Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
you may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her
Again and again.

Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try.

Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
Or all through your life you
May dream all alone.

I refuse. to listen. to love songs. But it really does strike chords.

Some days I feel like I don't mind never seeing you again. Some days I feel like I need to see you.

You're already turning into a memory, although you're right in front of me.

The End...of the Beginning

What can I say, the routine has well and truly been thrown off course. No more set schedules, worrying about exams/papers/studies. Summer has always been a time for a rest, for a recharge to the humming machine of school and life. It's scary that this machine for now has been put to rest. After...10 years.

I reached for Lulu's colourful notes in a cup a minute ago. Then returned the rolled up paper. I'll save it when I'm really lost.

I'm grasping at memories, days seem to pass so fast and memories are created minute by minute, hour by hour. I sit here in suspension for now, wishing for a certain day to get here, and at the same time knowing that once it does, that the moment I'll dread is around the corner too. So do I wish for it to come any faster? I don't know.

The past few days have been surreal. Did my 461 final. Went home, saw the boy, rushed to the airport to pick the 'rents. Dropped them off, decided on a whim to go clubbing for Xian's bday so made it to Necto by 12:40 where a very inebriated Lulu and Dian were having fun. Ah entertainment.

Friday was chaos with everyone running around doing stuff. Last minute decision to go to the Econ commencement with the parents then dinner after with the boy. Oh how I torture myself. Everyone was in the house by around 1am, with a grumpy Dian in tow. Was surreal that everyone was back again, together for once. Didn't sleep til 3.

6am came with chaos as lightning and thunder were booming outside and Kong called with the statement, it's raining. Malaysian style. The house woke up with loads of groans and moans. Me and Jin walked down with plastic bags over our heads. =.=" Not what I want to look like on one of the biggest days of my life. Ai. Milling around, we finally got on the field, decent seats...I guess. Everyone was taller in front, so it didn't particularly help.

Loads more running around taking pics with people, trying to find people, people trying to find me. By the end of it I was totally exhausted and conked out for 2 hours.

Graduation is a funny thing, the time where everyone isn't busy with work, but the worse time to try and round up everyone as the last minute rush of goodbyes are tampered with trying to fit as many people into as little a time as possible. It hasn't hit me yet but it will eventually that this really is the last time I'll see some people. One day.

How can you live in a moment when you realize it's going to be nothing more than a memory? How do you stay on a string of time that has a foreseeable end? How do you enjoy the now, right here? Can't you stop time for a bit? Seems like we're always on a rush. Always on a deadline. Always being chased by that alarm going off.

We've only just begun, can't you leave me in this little nook for now, time? Can't you forget about me for awhile.


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;