Abject panic

You know that little voice? That one that kinda is the true you, the one that really says exactly what you're thinking and feeling about something. The one you choose to ignore a lot of times because reality is that life sometimes does suck and all you have to do is accept that and move the **** on.

That voice popped out suddenly in the middle of an interview, after being asked to do a task. 20 longest minutes of my life where for once I had no answer to the question being posed. Nada, nothing. It happened again at yet another interview recently. I haven't faced this version of fear of failure in quite some time, perhaps attributable to the fact I have not faced challenges in quite some time due to the complacency of work.

2.5 years+ later and I seem to be back to square one and even more depleted of motivation than before. At least last time I had the fact that I knew nothing to lean on, now that I know SOMEthings, I rather not know them again =S.

Anyway, time to shut up and just pick something.

I don't know anymore

I often don't know why things happen the way they do. Why do people come into our lives and make a mess of it? Why have I lost my dad? Why have I lost my aunt? Why have so many people that I know through various degrees of separation passed away recently? Why have I lost my job? Why have I lost so much focus over the years?

I don't believe in God. I believe there is something greater than us, however not in the manner we've prescribed it to ourself as. I cannot trust in something if I fundamentally do not believe in it. No matter what anyone says.

Often I find myself thinking, this isn't fair. It's not. When has life ever been fair?  I've lived by the doctrine that what you do is something of your choice. Once upon a time I believed in fate, in retribution, in karma. Now all I seem to believe in, is that life is what it is. Who knows? Who knows indeed.

Dive in!

That's what it takes. No more assessments and weightings of pros and cons, cost benefit analysis (CBA wtf), but just pure, unadulterated JUMPING IN.

At the age of 25, where the heck am I. Working. Sorta. Functioning, adult with own spending money and often just trying to act like a grown up. Meeting KLASS friends is such a throwback and one that is so different in the way that, we are interacting as we've always done and yet having forgotten a lot of the forging of ties that occurred way back when. Shared jokes, bonds, actions and how we've affected each other, quarrelled with each other, been mad with each other. Yet at the end of it, creating and inhabiting the present in what we once termed the future, with such a...clean slate.

Food for thought alright.

Mentally & Physically Exhausted

Marathon of interviews and so, so, so close to the finish line. But unless I take the next few steps everything that was previously done was for naught so fight on!

Viper challenge today, sunburnt face and arms, bruised knees and thighs, acheing knees and probably sore everything tomorrow. But we persevered. No one will come and get you, so what is your choice but to soldier on? Good teamwork, good effort, climbing 10 feet boards is a bitch and so is climbing hills without water. This is what I live for. Moments like these. 6 hours of chaos.

Now for a well deserved rest tomorrow.

Update post

Thinking back to the recent posts and past posts from way back when, my style has definitely shifted from a tell all that happened in the day to introspective, sporadic writings. Reflective I think, of the fact that while school times lent itself to more interesting things like interactions with friends in a rather emotionally volatile environment, work ends up being a mundane drudgery (trudgery) of boredom for the most part.

What have I been up to? I struggle with this question because my memory has started to shrink to that of  a goldfish i.e. 5 second span. I've been catching up with people on work related, job hunting talks, soul searching, shopping, eating out too much, more job hunting and spent at least 2 hours photocopying, scanning and emailing resumes, GCSE results, A level results, Uni results and CV's. It's a full time job looking for a job.

Yet I am pausing a little and wondering what next? This continuous search for something better, something that will give me the damn answer to life isn't ending anytime in my lifetime. Heck, I knew that years on I STILL wouldn't know what I want to do, and have no inkling at all. Does everyone else just have it more together than I ever will, or is it just really good acting on everyone's part?

When do I start feeling passionate about something again? Where's the next exciting thing going to come from? Maybe I should just give everything up and do something spontaneous, even more so than I've done so far. Get my masterdiver? Learn how to pole dance? Take up boxing?

This continuous fear of the unknown will bloody unravel me. That's for sure. I do think part of the cause is that, as much as I hate to admit that someone else was my driving force, pa was one of my role models from the start. The older I grew, the more I realized and observed how much his true friends really liked him and I got hints of what he was like before he was my dad. Funny guy with a wicked sense of humour, a ready smile, a boxer, rugby player and far and above a joker. Someone who could be in any situation and turn it into his advantage. A networker through and through but not sycopanthic about it. I guess I've always tried to live up to that, and without him here, it's almost as though I'm turned loose. Who will be there for me to try impress? To climb higher and recognize my achievements? It's hard and it's scary to be accountable to yourself and no one else, because human nature is fickle.

So many people have looked at what's happening and told me, take some time off, slowdown, grieve if you have to, just don't rush into things. They seem scared I'll implode one day because I haven't properly passed a stage. I can't take it, what WILL drive me nuts is slowing down. I need to do something, to feel something. Otherwise I will not be happy.