Thinking back to the recent posts and past posts from way back when, my style has definitely shifted from a tell all that happened in the day to introspective, sporadic writings. Reflective I think, of the fact that while school times lent itself to more interesting things like interactions with friends in a rather emotionally volatile environment, work ends up being a mundane drudgery (trudgery) of boredom for the most part.
What have I been up to? I struggle with this question because my memory has started to shrink to that of a goldfish i.e. 5 second span. I've been catching up with people on work related, job hunting talks, soul searching, shopping, eating out too much, more job hunting and spent at least 2 hours photocopying, scanning and emailing resumes, GCSE results, A level results, Uni results and CV's. It's a full time job looking for a job.
Yet I am pausing a little and wondering what next? This continuous search for something better, something that will give me the damn answer to life isn't ending anytime in my lifetime. Heck, I knew that years on I STILL wouldn't know what I want to do, and have no inkling at all. Does everyone else just have it more together than I ever will, or is it just really good acting on everyone's part?
When do I start feeling passionate about something again? Where's the next exciting thing going to come from? Maybe I should just give everything up and do something spontaneous, even more so than I've done so far. Get my masterdiver? Learn how to pole dance? Take up boxing?
This continuous fear of the unknown will bloody unravel me. That's for sure. I do think part of the cause is that, as much as I hate to admit that someone else was my driving force, pa was one of my role models from the start. The older I grew, the more I realized and observed how much his true friends really liked him and I got hints of what he was like before he was my dad. Funny guy with a wicked sense of humour, a ready smile, a boxer, rugby player and far and above a joker. Someone who could be in any situation and turn it into his advantage. A networker through and through but not sycopanthic about it. I guess I've always tried to live up to that, and without him here, it's almost as though I'm turned loose. Who will be there for me to try impress? To climb higher and recognize my achievements? It's hard and it's scary to be accountable to yourself and no one else, because human nature is fickle.
So many people have looked at what's happening and told me, take some time off, slowdown, grieve if you have to, just don't rush into things. They seem scared I'll implode one day because I haven't properly passed a stage. I can't take it, what WILL drive me nuts is slowing down. I need to do something, to feel something. Otherwise I will not be happy.
What have I been up to? I struggle with this question because my memory has started to shrink to that of a goldfish i.e. 5 second span. I've been catching up with people on work related, job hunting talks, soul searching, shopping, eating out too much, more job hunting and spent at least 2 hours photocopying, scanning and emailing resumes, GCSE results, A level results, Uni results and CV's. It's a full time job looking for a job.
Yet I am pausing a little and wondering what next? This continuous search for something better, something that will give me the damn answer to life isn't ending anytime in my lifetime. Heck, I knew that years on I STILL wouldn't know what I want to do, and have no inkling at all. Does everyone else just have it more together than I ever will, or is it just really good acting on everyone's part?
When do I start feeling passionate about something again? Where's the next exciting thing going to come from? Maybe I should just give everything up and do something spontaneous, even more so than I've done so far. Get my masterdiver? Learn how to pole dance? Take up boxing?
This continuous fear of the unknown will bloody unravel me. That's for sure. I do think part of the cause is that, as much as I hate to admit that someone else was my driving force, pa was one of my role models from the start. The older I grew, the more I realized and observed how much his true friends really liked him and I got hints of what he was like before he was my dad. Funny guy with a wicked sense of humour, a ready smile, a boxer, rugby player and far and above a joker. Someone who could be in any situation and turn it into his advantage. A networker through and through but not sycopanthic about it. I guess I've always tried to live up to that, and without him here, it's almost as though I'm turned loose. Who will be there for me to try impress? To climb higher and recognize my achievements? It's hard and it's scary to be accountable to yourself and no one else, because human nature is fickle.
So many people have looked at what's happening and told me, take some time off, slowdown, grieve if you have to, just don't rush into things. They seem scared I'll implode one day because I haven't properly passed a stage. I can't take it, what WILL drive me nuts is slowing down. I need to do something, to feel something. Otherwise I will not be happy.
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