Jewel-Stand

Walk in a corner shop
See a shoplifting cop
See the old lady with a gun
See the hero try to run
Nothing's what it seems, I mean
It's not all dirty, but it's not all clean
There's children paying bills
There's monks buying thrills
There's pride for sale in magazines
There's pills for rent to make you clean
Marvin Gaye, there's no brother, brother
Woody Guthrie's land can't feed Mother

Mothers weep, children sleep
So much violence ends in silence
It's a shame there's no one to blame
For all the pain that life brings
If you will just take me It might just complete me
And together we can make a stand

A waitress brings me lunch
We meet but do not touch
On TV, D.C. is selling lies
While in the corner, King's dream dies
Go to the counter, pay for me and my friend
A homeless man pulls out a roll, says it's on him
The mayor has no cash
He said he spent it on hookers and hash


you will love me, I will love you

Who are you

UVA's application asked for one word that was your favourite. I chose I. In hindsight reading that 10 lines of writing it seems kinda pretentious. Heck, who really knows what one word is a favourite. Maybe if it were symbolic writing like chinese which takes on more of an art form than anything, then perhaps we can talk about favourites.

4 years since applications for universities, funny how years of education lead up to that one last hurdle and in a blink of an eye it vanishes, poof. I scoffed at people who wanted to stay in school, who got PHD's, who never left and stayed on as professors, teachers. I now know why it's so appealing. Maybe I'll change my mind once I start work, who knows.

Who am I? Someone that realized that she can achieve anything if she puts her mind to it. Someone who seized the things she was good at, applied herself to it and realized that everything works out in the end anyway. And a B+ is not fail. Someone who has no regrets these past few years, none at all. I did what I did when I wanted to do it, and that is that.

I've always failed at one time goals that I place before myself, failed at achieving what others labelled "best". But maybe it's an acceptance that grades reflect nothing but your ability to run on the hamster wheel of education. It's everything you learn outside of it that truly counts, how to earn the respect of your peers, your mentors, your seniors, your bosses, and Michigan unlocked that for me. It's exactly like Pachella said, if you choose what you want and stick with it, it all works out in the end.

I had this conversation with a lovely friend from Tango yesterday about how I had NO idea how to execute a move that I was being led into, and stubborn me who thinks that she can master Tango if she just TRIES hard enough will never settle for realizing that she has limitations and not taking lessons isn't helping anything. Anyway, Tango is so Zen like in the realization that only when you master all the moves then do you return to the very basic, walking, feeling, musicality. But above all, it takes the struggle of learning all the other things in order to execute the simple things well ala Carlos Gavito. The hardest things in life (sitting still and emptying your brain) come across as the simplest don't they?

Anyway, the mark of a truly good leader is one who will make you feel comfortable, at whatever level you are at. However, I argue that you always need a little push, someone who takes you out of your comfort zone just a notch to show you what you can do next. Otherwise it's easy to settle into routine. But above all, embrace and musicality are paramount.

Routine really does change doesn't it. Surround yourself with the positive, create something within yourself that is solid and unchanging so you can cling on the rough sea of life, that's probably the best advice.

Chances throw up Choices

I think it's irony when the moment you sit down and try and focus on something akin to meditation, your mind decides to explode into riots of colours, thoughts and worries. Currently in Taipei enjoying the hotsprings at Beitou. Quite an interesting place, and geothermal springs really do smell like rotten eggs.

Slightly worried at how tired I can be i.e. tired after 4 hours of going out and being able to conk out in bed after breakfast.

Finishing reading Eat, Pray, Love and I absolutely loved it. God, I'm turning into one of those middle age women searching for life's answers at 22. Why can't I be normal and worry bout nothing but money, clubbing and getting drunk. Hah. Mainly because that was never me and never will be me. Her thoughts on meditation were pretty enlightening though, but anytime I read that and think about whether I can attempt it myself, the more I realize that I probably never will be able to, just too fidgety and there's way too much out there to discover.

One foot here, one foot there. Waiting for dates in the future, then what? True, time heals all wounds, but I'll repeat again, you're always left with scars, in your memories, in your thoughts, in your dreams. A bubble of perfection that remains no where but in your conscience. A map that lies tucked into a bedside drawer, holding a certain white card that wasn't taken back, a reminder of something that was so dream like. Did 3 years really pass that fast? Was it only 2 months? Scrolling through forms and money thought and random snippets of conversation that pale to replace the very real hug. I can't say I miss you. I've somehow executed perfect snip out memory and created barriers that Freud put words to a century ago. Scientifically unproven but who ever proved the human mind. In the words of Eminem "We made you".

I gave up the fight already. Even before it started.

Sometimes I want to take this mind of mine and give it a good shake. Maybe then it'll listen.

Labels labels labels. The mind needs labels to believe it can fulfill those labels and when we don't measure up to someone else (or several others) in that label then we drop that bloody label. Or it comes when we cannot stomach being labeled that anymore. What's your label?

I don't know what it is that I miss anymore.

Shine the Light

I love Tumblr images. Something so soothing about the way there is a hodge podge of everything beautiful in this world that is filtered through someone elses lenses, someone elses vision, someone elses thoughts.

Peace. At last? No way. In limbo, still searching, this journey just started, time to act as though I'm 21 and not 50. Goals, milestones yet to be set. Truth is...we never revel in the present, roll through it like high tumbleweed, shut our eyes and let our senses take over, to really feel, everything and anything.

We always need to express ourselves, but sometimes we need to shut up and let our inner thoughts take over. There's enough noise in the world, we don't need to add more to it.

Hold Time

Lazy Sundays. Funny how a couple of days can change your whole perspective on where life is going. Got a starting job, hope it's good. Time to grow up.

Travelling times coming up though, always fun, also stressful, also alot of $$$ flying out of pockets. But wtv, last time I'm gna do this before being restricted by annual leave. At least Malaysia has a TON of public holidays, woohoo.

First of the Gang to Die-Zee Avi

You have never been in love
Till you see the stars
Reflected in the resevoirs

And you have never been in love
Till you see the dawn rise
Behind the home for the blind

We are the pretty, petty things
And your standing on our street

Where Hector was the first of the gang with the gun in his hand
And the first to do time
The first of the gang to die
Oh my

Where Hector was the first of the gang with the gun in his hand
And the first to do time
The first of the gang to die
Oh my

You have never been in love
Till you see the sun light drawn
Over smashed human bone

We are the pretty, petty things
And your standing on our street

Where Hector was the first of the gang with the gun in his hand
And the first to do time
The first of the gang to die
Such a silly boy

Where Hector was the first of the gang with the gun in his hand
And a bullet in his gut
The first lost life to go under the stars

And he stole from the rich and the poor
And the not very rich and the very poor
And he stole our hearts away
He stole our hearts away
He stole our hearts away 

Need a memory wipe. Right about...now.

Where is Reality?

I spent most of June in my head. I don't think I've ever done that in my life before, but sometimes you have to face things that you've put off since the year previous. I went into Senior year not expecting too much, and it's exactly at the point where you stop expecting and just decide to DO, where you finally find some peace and quiet in life, and where you see certain buried hopes and wishes bubble up to the surface, then dissipate.

So where am I now? Out of a routine, floating in limbo. It's scary because expectations that have been heaped on you by others and yourself have somehow come to a halt. For now it's up to you to create the next steps no longer defined by grades. I still think its such fallacy that we have to act as though we know exactly what the job at hand will present to us before we've even entered it, and I don't think anyone ever does realize what lies ahead even when you're faced with an interviewer, trying to practice doublethink.

Which path to take? Where does your reality lie?

Reading status updates of people returning to college, returning to soph/junior/senior year makes me kinda wistful. You really don't want something until you can't have it. True that.