Out of the Blue

Catharsis. Freud once wrote it's all about letting things go, letting the agenda go and really just, leaving it and tapping into something fundamental. The things you HAVE to say, not dictated by social norms or the fences of etiquette and social wording.

Someone came back to me, someone I havn't thought of for a long time. Someone that I had filed under, best forgotten-draw blank-revisited and reviled. And said something. Said person said that they should have treated me better- that I had deserved better. It's a little too late but nice to know that someone regretted something about you. And it's almost like that last shovel of dirt over the grave of unhappy memories, regrets and should-have-saids. Never regret.

And in my cupboard lies a handwritten message from said person. Still. Nothing romantic, just a gesture that until now lingers longer than the pictures I've put away. Still in my memory, under, someone I used to know.

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Layers upon layers, and sometimes I feel like I can't treat this blog as the 'real' forum for all the inner thoughts that come and go, flitting constantly in and out of consciousness. I figure that sometimes you really want to tell a certain someone something, and you collect the thoughts into a treasure chest and then you realize when you open it up that it's dissipated. Uncontainable.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

Thank you my psycho buddies

For reminding me that friends are all you ever really need =)

You learn...

...that it's ok to fail at something
...that it's ok to say 'I don't know'
...that you can survive through some of the darkest moments
...that you can let go
...that life has no answers
...that you sometimes lose a game
...that life goes on. Period.

Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell
Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I've played the game but to my real shame
You've left me to grieve all alone
Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal
Yes I'm the great pretender

Just laughin' and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around
Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal
Yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughin' and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Laundry lists

-Get silver cleaner
-Get rubix cube and figure out pattern
-Find Taiwan bracelet and Burt's bees gloss

Things you do when you put your mind to it!

Watercolour Sunsets

Ah, Bali, land of gods, chaotic traffic and a few too many Aussies.

This time round hectic-ness that extended into the wee mornings, surprising live salsa moments and tearing around dance floors laughing with friends. Late night pounding waves and running on beaches barefoot-ed under the full moons with beer highs. Mmm.

Frangipani drops over a beautiful swimming pool and night swims. Chaotic vacation but definitely memorable.

Reunions on friday, woot!

Of odd jobs and travels

We often think of temporary jobs and internships as stepping stones to something greater, a means to an end, but what if life is just that, that the longer we search for an end, the more we realize that life is HERE, NOW. YOOHOO, TAKE ME.

So utterly terrified of being stuck in middle management (if I even get there) that it's not funny. What to do with life indeed, so many of us still figuring it out, and maybe life is here for us to seize now. What these times teach us is that everything is fleeting, firms my dad mentions at the start of college visit implode by the middle of freshmen year. How bad is it? Who knows, who knows indeed.

Good Taiwan trip wandering around foreign lands chases away the humdrum of work and looking forward to next travels (tomorrow really). Bali! Here we come =)

Early morning in Taiwan business class lounges that look all too familiar as I tread the paths that once led to 4 month stretches away from home and another cultural universe,  (also, holy crap flat beds are the best invention ever, why didn't they come up with it sooner when I had to take 24 hours flights!). Thumbing through WSJ, Time, Bloomberg, snippets of a world I've never physically seen, people I've never bumped into float in front of me, always the same never-ending themes-Europe in debt crisis, America's lost souls, Afghanistan internal bombings during Muslim holy days, Asia's new powers, Aung San Su Kyi's release, an imminent collapse of everything and anything we ever know, a growth and spurt and new beginnings, and this world continues to spin like it has, forever.

Typing at computers where I'd check hotmail's and college apps and everything in between. Such chaos of overlapping time frames.

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Neverrrrrrrrr

I'm never going to be one of those girls with the effortless chic looks, with dishevelled hair and pulled together 'it' girl slouchy-ness fashion-the sort that can roll out of bed and look HOT.

But it's ok.

I'm also not one of those girls who will inspire guys to fall over over and drape coats over puddles in sidewalks for their precious, nor am I one of those who will cause a guy to want to cater to her every whim, every day, for all eternity.

Oh well.

WANT