There are so many things out of my control right now that I cannot do anything but sit back and watch. Where to go, what route to take, what happens next. Sometimes I feel like cutting myself off from the world for a bit. Find me in 2 months kthxbye.
Choices. Plenty, absolutely plenty. But that's what happens when you don't want to make a choice, where you hear whispers left right up down. Advice barging into your subconscious, what are you passions, goals, aim. I don't know, I don't fucking know.
There's this metaphorical self I'm fighting against. Something I COULD be. But if it's not natural how can I force fit it?
PS: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=general&src=me
“It’s somewhat terrifying,” writes a 25-year-old named Jennifer, “to think about all the things I’m supposed to be doing in order to ‘get somewhere’ successful: ‘Follow your passions, live your dreams, take risks, network with the right people, find mentors, be financially responsible, volunteer, work, think about or go to grad school, fall in love and maintain personal well-being, mental health and nutrition.’ When is there time to just be and enjoy?” Adds a 24-year-old from Virginia: “There is pressure to make decisions that will form the foundation for the rest of your life in your 20s. It’s almost as if having a range of limited options would be easier.”
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Thankful
-Fun summers in caged futsal arenas with friends from age 15. We're still the same. Totally and utterly.
-Having a support network when you're REALLY hitting rock bottom.
-The ability to run around a tennis court and hit the ball better than I've ever been able to.
-Deep conversations at mamaks.
-The challenge of job hunts.
-Celebrating 21st's with a lifelong friend.
-Seeing people flit in and out in the last summer rays.
-Meeting new people.
-A healthy life.
-Opportunities.
-Being on good terms with an ex.
As much as I lament about job search, sometimes I have to pause and stop the self pity. Who the hell is judging me, but myself?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Off the track
It's weird when about 18 years of solid "school" routine comes to a screeching halt in the form of a piece of paper, a really ugly gown, something that looks like curtain rope around your neck and a cardboard cap with some ridiculous tassle that NO ONE, can get to stay put on their heads. In CK's words, wtf, my mortar board is now senget!
Armed with that fabulous piece of paper, some numbers and your resume, i.e. passport to jobs, you're expected to go find yourself a job. Yes, something that requires you to shackle yourself to a hierarchy system, doing something that school absolutely didn't technically prepare you for, revamping your wardrobe to a uniform of a different sort and braving rush hour traffic.
I think a lot of us still in limbo are still battling with this foreign idea. Huh? no more 1pm classes?! No more autonomy over your own time? What, no way!
In a sense, education made us complacent. At least it did for me. College threw me off some course to better myself, that in my mind, once I got past those metaphorical gates of "University" and had the right to wear all these ridiculous things, miraculously my life and it's goals would unfold before my very eyes.
But this was something I knew was going to come from the age of 12 anyway. That putting things off, putting off that realization that there is no answer to life was going to catch up eventually and here I am, age 21 and about 10 months and on some fork in the road that I've cast my lot to and now just need to let it go and see what comes back.
I let myself float in the pool the other day. Something about swimming is so relaxing. Knowing that if you stayed down long enough you would actually die, fighting against a substance that fluctuates, moving your own mass through it. Rebirth.
Armed with that fabulous piece of paper, some numbers and your resume, i.e. passport to jobs, you're expected to go find yourself a job. Yes, something that requires you to shackle yourself to a hierarchy system, doing something that school absolutely didn't technically prepare you for, revamping your wardrobe to a uniform of a different sort and braving rush hour traffic.
I think a lot of us still in limbo are still battling with this foreign idea. Huh? no more 1pm classes?! No more autonomy over your own time? What, no way!
In a sense, education made us complacent. At least it did for me. College threw me off some course to better myself, that in my mind, once I got past those metaphorical gates of "University" and had the right to wear all these ridiculous things, miraculously my life and it's goals would unfold before my very eyes.
But this was something I knew was going to come from the age of 12 anyway. That putting things off, putting off that realization that there is no answer to life was going to catch up eventually and here I am, age 21 and about 10 months and on some fork in the road that I've cast my lot to and now just need to let it go and see what comes back.
I let myself float in the pool the other day. Something about swimming is so relaxing. Knowing that if you stayed down long enough you would actually die, fighting against a substance that fluctuates, moving your own mass through it. Rebirth.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Maybe, Perhaps
Little bout of stircraziness entered again. Live this goddamn life FORWARD, GODDAMNIT!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
L-O-V-E
What is it? Debates raged on just 6 years ago (only 6?!). Between teenage years to adulthood everything changes, friends move on, schedules, routines, life.
IMHO, love is where without saying anything, the other person soothes all your darkest fears, makes all your dreams come true and generally, lets you be you.
Simple as that. When it's right it kinda just...feels right. Saying you love someone isn't do all end all, I'm past the idea of soul-mates. Love needs work and marriage doesn't guarantee anything.
IMHO, love is where without saying anything, the other person soothes all your darkest fears, makes all your dreams come true and generally, lets you be you.
Simple as that. When it's right it kinda just...feels right. Saying you love someone isn't do all end all, I'm past the idea of soul-mates. Love needs work and marriage doesn't guarantee anything.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Round round baby right round
Thoughts chase each other until my fingers can no longer follow my stream of consciousness normally at two points in the cycle of the day and following certain reasons:
1) Exercised til I'm at the happy point of tiredness where I know deep sleep is the next thing going for me
2) In the darkness of the night
The masseuse told me when I complained about my 2nd toe hurting that it was my eyes being tired. I couldn't agree more. Maybe there is some truth to this malarky of feet reflexology, but he didn't need to tell me bout my shoulders being knotted, I knew that from the beginning. Too much hunching over, boy, I'm gna get back problems when I'm old....
Ruminating. Tango tomorrow, will see what happens. Went for 2 hr futsal with the Tams and the usual bunch. Always entertaining and I love how at the age of 11, they are still naive enough to be truthful about EVERYTHING they are saying/thinking. Soon to change as teenage years hit tho, and when their peers start to act cool. Ah...naivety of pre-teen years. I miss them.
What can I say about BCG. Blackhole for now. Limbo.
Life goes on eh? It does, memories get knocked out of your head, heartaches dissipate but sometimes they stab again, and sometimes its almost as though you have to pause, breathe, rewind and stop thoughts from running. Always running.
Damnit forgot what this was initially inspired from again...Oh yes, I cleaned my room. After 10 years. Finally decided I had it with things everywhere and just MESS. Cleared it out. Time to grow up. Time to effing grow up. Junk collects over time, funny thing bout cleaning the Ann Arbor apartment was just that, when we realize how much JUNK we own. Funny memory was the roomie trying to haul our combined notes and papers (mine starting from freshmen yr) down the stairs and the bag bursting. Oh the chaos.
It's when you have to move or decide what to bring with you on a 3 yr sojourn to the States and back, where you REALLY figure out what the most important things to you are. For me I could never leave behind my photos. Link to the past, reminder to yourself to never ever lose who you are to the core, defining moments in life, events passed, people who matter to you. When you desperately click click click. The fountain by the MLB, walking along a road, exploring North Campus. But what you miss at the end of the day is the mundane everyday tasks that you never take photos of. The food you cook for lunch and dinner, the moment where you're running out the door doing a mental checklist of bag, notes, homework, coat, gloves, double layered pants, scarf, thick socks, boots, ipod, handphone, keys, lipbalm, crap forgot the keys. The laughter and fun of random get-togethers over shisha, nail polish, mags, girly gossip, alcohol and cupcakes. The chaos of moving apartments, paying bills, standing in the middle of a Michigan winter waiting for the AATA bus to take you to do your social security number crap.
What those photos don't capture is the moment you realize you've grown up. They capture moments you believe to be important, moments that are unique. But they don't capture the beauty or simplicity of everyday tasks until one day it is over.
1) Exercised til I'm at the happy point of tiredness where I know deep sleep is the next thing going for me
2) In the darkness of the night
The masseuse told me when I complained about my 2nd toe hurting that it was my eyes being tired. I couldn't agree more. Maybe there is some truth to this malarky of feet reflexology, but he didn't need to tell me bout my shoulders being knotted, I knew that from the beginning. Too much hunching over, boy, I'm gna get back problems when I'm old....
Ruminating. Tango tomorrow, will see what happens. Went for 2 hr futsal with the Tams and the usual bunch. Always entertaining and I love how at the age of 11, they are still naive enough to be truthful about EVERYTHING they are saying/thinking. Soon to change as teenage years hit tho, and when their peers start to act cool. Ah...naivety of pre-teen years. I miss them.
What can I say about BCG. Blackhole for now. Limbo.
Life goes on eh? It does, memories get knocked out of your head, heartaches dissipate but sometimes they stab again, and sometimes its almost as though you have to pause, breathe, rewind and stop thoughts from running. Always running.
Damnit forgot what this was initially inspired from again...Oh yes, I cleaned my room. After 10 years. Finally decided I had it with things everywhere and just MESS. Cleared it out. Time to grow up. Time to effing grow up. Junk collects over time, funny thing bout cleaning the Ann Arbor apartment was just that, when we realize how much JUNK we own. Funny memory was the roomie trying to haul our combined notes and papers (mine starting from freshmen yr) down the stairs and the bag bursting. Oh the chaos.
It's when you have to move or decide what to bring with you on a 3 yr sojourn to the States and back, where you REALLY figure out what the most important things to you are. For me I could never leave behind my photos. Link to the past, reminder to yourself to never ever lose who you are to the core, defining moments in life, events passed, people who matter to you. When you desperately click click click. The fountain by the MLB, walking along a road, exploring North Campus. But what you miss at the end of the day is the mundane everyday tasks that you never take photos of. The food you cook for lunch and dinner, the moment where you're running out the door doing a mental checklist of bag, notes, homework, coat, gloves, double layered pants, scarf, thick socks, boots, ipod, handphone, keys, lipbalm, crap forgot the keys. The laughter and fun of random get-togethers over shisha, nail polish, mags, girly gossip, alcohol and cupcakes. The chaos of moving apartments, paying bills, standing in the middle of a Michigan winter waiting for the AATA bus to take you to do your social security number crap.
What those photos don't capture is the moment you realize you've grown up. They capture moments you believe to be important, moments that are unique. But they don't capture the beauty or simplicity of everyday tasks until one day it is over.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Self Worth
What happens when your intrinsic self worth is tied to grades, to monetary terms, to job acquirement, to anything but your own internal processes. Who in their right mind decided all this? If there's anything growing up has taught me, it is to care less, to not feel as though my life is dictated by cycles, to just let go. Self preservation.
That is when everything goes slightly off kilter, mental and all. When you've tried your best but your best is not enough. Who knows.
That is when everything goes slightly off kilter, mental and all. When you've tried your best but your best is not enough. Who knows.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Mental Health
I have decided to do away with things that are bad for my mental health. People, opinions, take the high road right? Stop analyzing everything to the degree that you do.
Keep sane. Take chances. Live. Don't take things to heart, hard when you care so much sometimes, and at worst it might make you seem totally inaccessible. But oh well. Life goes on.
Random people showing up at 12:30 in front of your house for mamak. Life's precious moments. We've certainly progressed from 3 am chats. =).
Keep sane. Take chances. Live. Don't take things to heart, hard when you care so much sometimes, and at worst it might make you seem totally inaccessible. But oh well. Life goes on.
Random people showing up at 12:30 in front of your house for mamak. Life's precious moments. We've certainly progressed from 3 am chats. =).
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