Boxes and Walls

Images in mirrors box in

A person trapped by the limits of their perception sometimes

A thirteen year old me stares back

Her with the boyish haircut something no one can imagine now

Especially by the wearer herself yet

Inside the same person remains thus

Why can we never be satisfied? Who

Stares back now? Her

With the wavy locks, another 8 year battle curse as she

Once lamented for the stick straight styles of the

Quintessential Asian Girl

Currently at its

Natural shade with remnants of the Marron henna that

Makes its appearance every so often with the right

Angles of the noon sun

Shortly most likely to be changed yet again

In accordance with the fickle mind of this owner unwilling

To commit to the blazing mahogany she craves but

Not the maintenance that comes with it.

Procrastination

Wonderful word that...when I finally found out what it means I still think it's such an apt word to be used in almost every aspect of life. My life at least.

Blogs are always such interesting things to read. How people choose their persona's that they want on display. It's like crafting a model of your thoughts and actions. So I've been wasting away the Friday afternoon watching the latest epi of America's nxt top model and reading a blog which I linked from quaintly's about a taxi driver who had a phd from Stanford and was kicked out of his research job which resulted in him having to drive taxis in Singapore. Very insightful look into preconceptions of people, definitely an example of "never judge a book by its cover".

Lookbook is another addictive thing that Dian has just introduced me to. Gr. But it's got me itching to go shopping now...

There are dishes to be washed in the sink. I don't feel like washing them. Definitely suffering senioritis to the max.

Can you really feel lonely in a crowd of people. Sometimes I still feel that I can't talk. Really talk.
I haven't felt the thrill of a challenge in some time. I haven't taken things for what they are rather than always thinking and contemplating about what I'd ultimately get of it. I haven't been able to do something just for the hell of it, with no reason or benefit.

Sometimes when you meet someone new, maybe you'd hope they would stay that way. New. When you get to know people more, sometimes all you find is everything that you wouldn't want to find.

Vicissitudes

人有悲歡離合
月有陰晴圓缺
此事古難全
但願人長久
千里共嬋娟

Still an amazing poem. Was surprised to see it referenced in the readings for 386 but of course it would be wouldn't it. Analysis was good, and all the time I had the melody streaming in my head.

Day xxxx of resume/application nightmares. I would kinda be excited for interviews tho, if I even get through resume screening round. I guess the best thing to do is just pray and throw it to the wind, and enjoy the challenge for what it is.

Its kinda hit me that submitting in resumes is the easy part. Now I have to face the music if I get a call back. SCREWED.

Been going to bed exhausted ever since I got back to the States. I attribute it to always having to run around to deal with some task or other. Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in bed and sleep for 24 hrs straight.


Time: 11:35pm
Listening: Ban Dao Tie He
Watched: Gossip Girl Epi 2, Season 3
Mood: Annoyed


Freaking Anthrobio is taking up way more time than I anticipated and its ANNOYING BIO. i.e. about 80 questions that I seriously dnt know how to answer.
Ban Dao Tie He still calms me down everytime. I don't know what it is about the song, or maybe cause I listened to it at a certain point in my life and it still beings back some feelings that I've long forgotten.

放在糖果旁的是
我很想回憶的甜
然而過濾了你和我
淪落而成美
沉在盒子里的是你給我的快樂
我很想記得可是我記不得 

Sometimes I wish I could read chinese poetry fluently. I'm still half guessing at every other word and it just ruins the meaning.

One Day

I turn around and she's disappeared. The shy one, the one who wants to crawl under the table and crumble if she ever had to make any sort of presentation. The shy one who felt that she didn't really fit in, but somehow managed to make a fit work. Maybe this is who she is now. Anonymity provides a cover to be who you want to be. Because you figure, who really cares?

Powers was right when he said that we can only ever put on one persona at a time. Its not as though it's being a fake person...it's just what we do. All the world's a stage and everyone has their part. But the actors aren't individual beings. It's you standing there while the curtains rise. It's you standing there when it falls. No one else.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Feeling emo again just thinking about where life is headed. Somehow I once thought I knew about what life was about. I was so sure. Then one day I got thrown off course, and now I might as well be in the middle of a vast plain somewhere with no map, handphone, people or transport around.

I'm screwed.

9:27

I sit here with my cup of Java taking a long pause before I have to launch myself into the deep end of today's activities. In the next 10 hours I shall be running around campus attending classes, sorting out YHO things, buying txtbks, eating lunch, printing stuff, getting ready to go and meet recruiters before coming back to slump on the couch and attempt to cook dinner...*shudder*. Not mentally prepared for this.

Maybe I'll post something when I'm back and report on the day and hopefully its smooth sailing.

Time: 1:15am

Music: Faye Wong
Mood: Sleepy/Terrified/Overwhelmed

Woooo, I'm about to float off to the land of fairies and pixies where I don't have to worry about mundane things like jobs and finding them. Can't someone just give me $?
Yeah I don't know what to say. It's been eventful dressing up in the business attire, walking around attempting to sell the product i.e YOU. My heels gave me blisters. Not happy. Stupid heels.

Otherwise classes were fine. I realized I don't remember 405. Not in any meaningful detail anyway...die. Histart 386 is actually really fascinating, I do better analyzing paintings than I do graphs anyway. 411 was dead boring as usual and I have issues with his accent.

Should start updating pics from the football game soon. It was EPIC.

"Let the world know you as your are not as you think you should be, because sooner or later if you are posing, you will forget the pose and then...where are you?" ~Fanny Brice

Lazy Friday

I love Fridays with only one discussion in the morning. Actually, I'd like Fridays some more if I didn't even have that class. Right now I'm gna need to run through all the crap that I need to do to prepare for job hunting season. I'm screwed, I'm screwed, I'm screwed.

Half the fact is that I'm so afraid of failing that I don't even want to put my 100% effort into throwing myself into the deep end. But maybe that is what I need to do in order to feel satisfied that I've really tried everything I could.

But I'm still at the point where I don't know what I want to do.

Then we come back to the age old statement that girls have one more option over guys. Marriage. But if anything that's the last thing I'd ever do in my life. Cannot stand the idea of having to rely on a guy for money 1, coz you should never ever rely on someone else 100%. 2, coz guys are gits. They just are.

No biggie I guess. Take things as they come. There's always a gap year I can do probably...and I guess KL will always have a job somewhere...does seem that I'm selling out though.

Eyes Wide Shut

I sprawl here trying desperately to fend off the sleep that is descending upon me. I don't know why I bother seeing how it doesn't matter what time I sleep, I have woken up at 7am more or less the past two days. Jetlag  SUCKS ASS. I'm so mentally exhausted its not funny. The PMS-el weather isn't helping anyone. It rains, then it drizzles, then it stops, then it starts, and apparently that is the forecast for the next 3 days. BUGGER IT.

Moving was hectic, but this year much faster. Need to buy groceries desperately and set up Comcast, then maybe the living room won't look so pitiful. Room is exponentially bigger than last yrs, but layout is exactly the same, sense of familiarity I guess. Sticking photos on the walls made it look much roomier. I like my room =).

Back to AA. Back to running around finding txtbks, impossibly long queues at the start of the sem as everyone rushes to buy their crap/sort out bank stuff etc. bah humbug. I'm too old for this.

I'm on the brink of being sick. I just feel it. How dyu stop that! The overwhelming list of THINGS TO DO  has also started. Kill me. I have a feeling I'll be eating out ALOT more this year.

Peel

Fuck I have to leave in 2 days.

Fuck. I'm normally not so crudely expressive but that seems to be the most appropriate term to use.

Why do I not want to go back? Well, it's nothing to do with campus or the people there coz they're lovely people and I've had amazing times through the past 2 yrs that I have actually been there. I shall not comment on the weather tho, coz I'm the sort that forgets how terribly cold it is and complain when it gets too hot here, only to be reminded bout -degree winter.

Summer. It turned into a checkpoint. A reason to catch up with people who you don't see for months on end. Sometimes I wonder whether you could really ever stand the other person if you had to see them every single day. Besides the room-mate of course, but that's different!

We've all changed. I say I hate hypocrites and fake people who use people for their own benefit. Yet maybe that is a part of growing up? The nerd/geek that tries to start afresh in University, far away from people that knew them, a chance to wipe the slate clean. Maybe the only way we can truly progress is to separate ourselves from the people we've known in our formative years. Being away filters out the people who are genuine friends, and those who are merely acquaintances. Yet as we move through life we acquire circles of friends that overlap, change, connect, separate. People we couldn't bear the thought of not seeing for a day turn into distant memories of a good time, once upon a time. Who is the real you though? The ones that one bunch of friends knows, or the other that another bunch knows?

Maybe getting off the track and doing the things you never ever thought you'd do is the only way you're going to be happy with yourself. Surprise yourself.

And you find that you change too.

This summer has surprised me. It has been eventful and maybe I've finally grown up.

 And gotten the red highlights I've always wanted. =). In hindsight, should have asked for a brighter red!

I've learned to care less, to take things as they come, to stop planning.