Musings

Lazy lazy Sunday sleep-in. Week off work. Possible tennis playing later+dinner with friends+movie=bliss.

CNY around the corner and catch-up family time. It's been years. Just elated to be unleashed from work for a bit. Plus plenty to look forward to in February with Gil visiting =). April Tango Fest and May AA visiting.
I started thinking bout how much it costs me time and money wise just to fly back for 2 weeks and then I realized screw that. Seeing people I haven't seen in ages is just priceless and oh so worth it. Looking forward!

It takes so long for me sometimes to come up with things to write for this blog. It's been sometime since I've written anything substantial and 'meaty' but I think that is what happens when life starts to resemble a jigsaw divided into weekend oasis and monday blues, tuesday blahs, wednesday midweeks, thursdays not quite there and friday hurrahs. And repeat.

River of time back and forth and sometimes its as though I've been standing still all this while. Everything that's changed has come from others and less so from me.

But if I ask myself one question, am I happy? I guess I am. Finally. The little things in life make me happy. Seeing old friends and the fact we can still be in touch through time, through changes, through geographical challenges makes me happy. Tango makes me happy. Chinese New Year snacks makes me VERY happy. Rain makes me happy..until I'm meant to go play tennis and can't =.=. Sitting by the pool with a book and my mp3 makes me happy.

Chugga-chug.

Maybe it's good to realize after 20 years of having set milestones placed in front of me I'm finally free of it.

Screw that

I started a post but decided to screw that.

Just screw it, I am quite an emo person but seriously I think I'm finally fed up with the internal whining that's been going.

So maybe you finally got the last laugh. Well done.

Hmm...

I still do think lelove is a great blog find. It's always touching reading the different takes on relationships from start to end, good to bad, surviving and desintegrating. Facets of human emotion and the capacity for love, and the fact that everyone who believes in the forcefed Hollywood romances we're so exposed to hides the reality of facing up to messy emotions.

I've pin-pointed it to one underlying trait of mine. Stubborn-ness. I've never liked to admit weakness, but boy, you are one big-ass achilles heel of mine. But I guess you never belonged to me, huh?

I wonder...

I don't think its ever completely over. Hearts don't break evenly one tumblr post once said and as ridiculous it is to find myself pondering over events past it still kinda hurts to think that I can be replaced that easily.

But who cares...right?

Sundays are often days I take snuggled under blankets at 11:12pm, as a time for reflection. The end of a week, the start of another. I now know why people detest mondays so much, it's like...you just spent 2 days with hours to YOURSELF. Hours that belong to you and no one else, and now with a quick breath you slip underwater yet again, where time is traded for $$$, responsibilities and something called status.

I'm still standing by my previous status of being over this whole adult thing.

I had an eventful weekend, good whacking of tennis balls and a runaround outside with a blister as the result. Reminds me I need to replace my racquet grip and omg the Australian Open just makes me want to take up tennis seriously yet again. Aged 22...too late to turn pro? lol.

And today, back in a drama room, playing catch with a bunch of strangers, and acting. The one class I detested, but I have this knack for throwing myself into things I fear the most. I miss classes, I really do. Not the exams but just...being taught things, letting someone else do the thinking for once. This adult thing really doesn't suit me does it?

A little older, a little wiser, a little less hung up over things. Come what may. But sometimes I still wish we were immersed in each other. It's scary how much I would throw away just to hear certain things, or feel certain things again. But chapters end for a reason.

Sober Clown

I’m glad you’re happy now,
I know you did what you had to do,
It’s just that my road is clear of traffic I’m going walking,
But I wish to God I was walking with you,

And I’ve been spending too much time alone,
I’ve gripped the fact now that I’m on my own,
Brooding too much on memories,
And I’ll admit that I was kind of bitter to the bone,

Gifts of poetry lay suspended in the air,
I watched them all go by,
I didn’t even care,
Gifts of poetry, lie suspended in the air,
When I’m back on my feet,
I’m gonna strip that orchard bare,

Sun up and down,
And then the moon’s around,
And all the while their watching us, we’re in different towns,
You were a Christmas song you made me merrily on high,
But correct me if I’m wrong,
Love will make you cry,
And my eyes were always open,
But I had sleep in the way,
Like webs of frost on forest walks on winter’s day,
And as a rain cloud paints a mountain in my dream,
I wanna wake as the mountain, so the mist will be my dreams,

Gifts of poetry lay suspended in the air,
I watched them all go by, I didn’t even care,
Gifts of poetry, lie suspended in the air,
When I’m back on my feet,
I’m gonna strip that orchard bare,

Through domino wind, bird scream through the sky,
He’s one tear away, and two from the reason why,
And as the bird glides over the water’s pulse,
Into the mist, I wish like it to be lost,
We all get down,
But the drunk band sound was just the sober clown,
Love is a melody,
Which can change so unexpectantly,

Gifts of poetry lay suspended in the air,
I watched them all go by, I didn’t even care,
Gifts of poetry, lie suspended in the air,
When I’m back on my feet,
I’m gonna strip that orchard bare

Oh, sheer poetry.

We're always sailing off for somewhere new

Reached the oasis of the weekend again. Ah. Finally. Tiring day where everything that goes wrong can and will go wrong.

It's hard being optimistic when you're stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and rain every friggin day that helps no ones mood. + work to do over the weekend so it doesn't pile up tomorrow=a constant nagging feeling that you need to get that bloody work done. It's always been like this, don't know why I'm complaining about it now. Not like anything's changed.

The Man who can't be moved

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

 Catchy song.

Back

You know what's funny? Reading back on my 8 yr long posts I realize my writing really has changed. Guess its a reflection of maturity =S, though I honestly still feel way too young sometimes.

But yeah, she's back =).

Professionalism

Not something you'd particularly want to hear when it comes to matters of emotions.

I don't want to know, LALALALLALALALALALALALALA.

Because emotions are irrational, stupid, indecisive, chaotic and above all, you feel what you feel when you feel. Facing irrationality with logic. I think I'm turning into Gollum and...
I am way too rational =.=

"Hey, hey, what about me?" Do I factor into your conversations snippets of memories, or did I just mean nothing to you?

To be fair I'm selfish, I wish I had your undivided attention, and this is the worrying transformation I seem to go through that has just been recently brought to my attention.

What's it like?

I'll tell you what it's like.

It's like being dropped into a vat of boiling hot water with every scar possible burst open and rubbed in with lemonsalt while you drown slowly, meanwhile keeping all emotions possible in check as you hear things you once thought you'd be ok to face and seizing every emotion you feel at that time, chucking it into the deepest corner of your mind in an attempt to function somewhat normally before dreading all the emotions that you thought you had finally beaten back with a wooden stick bubbling back up to the forefront of your mind like a torturous shredding of memories over and over again.

That's what it's like.

聽你　狠狠的哭
讓我　走我的路
你現在了解　我多苦
你可要永遠　記住

愛你　不是錯誤
恨你　不是覺悟
我不要回憶　誰在乎
我們把一切　結束

愛是假如　不是幸福　我比你清楚
我要你　掉著眼淚
說你假如　能回到最初
我卻說　不

Is it time yet?

Only another day, just another day. If one did not know better it'd just be another saturday, but man creates clocks from time immemorial to keep track of their mortality. And here we go, the start of yet another year, but are you ready?

Just because the dates on calenders flash 1-1-11 do we suddenly achieve some magical powers of rejuvenation, set once again to face our demons, our goals, our fears. We say this year will be different, I will shed everything from before and start anew somehow, but it takes alot to see it through. The year may throw so many things yet unforeseen at us and the past always seems so much more comfortable, like...a comfy blanket when it's -20 outside, or hot chocolate on a rainy day when you sit ruminating life. I miss that aspect of student life, the worried studying and all, because I am just that much of a workaholic.

But no use looking back, time waits for no man, or woman. Forge ahead, reconnect, create new memories and never regret.