Resolutions 2014

Oh gosh. Here's 2013's review.

1) Be able to do a handstand-Failed
2) Pick up a new sport/activity-Failed
3) Participate in a half marathon-improve upon 2:33! Goal 2:20-Failed
4) Say yes more-Maybe?
5) Drop a waist size-Failed
6) Join tennis competitions-Failed
7) Cook more-twice a week dinner!-Sorta
8) Do a Tango Performance-Failed
9) Sub hour 10k-SUCCESS!

Wah lau, so I'll give myself more discount for this year given all the chaos. Let's try again...

2014 Resolutions

1) Travel to new places for Tango
2) Take up pole dancing
3) 80% Bootcamp attendance
4) Learn how to code
5) Do a performance
6) Consistent article writing
7) Study for GMAT
8) Be more spontaneous

Old Dog; New Tricks

I am super determined to make 2014 a year where I learn new things. Beyond the yes's that defined 2012 and a 2013 that got complete derailed and off course, 2014 is goal achieving year.

For a start, I want to rediscover the passion and curiosity that I went to Michigan with. I want that defining moment where you face a new path, a new story and are determined to do things differently, to meet new people, to change yourself almost. Yet still remaining the same at the core.

Why is it that the older we get the more we become stubborn, lazy and habit forming? Why do people lose the innate curiosity and imagination that we once had when we were 5 or 6 or 7 or 8? Or until the age that exams bogged us down and cramming useless facts and being distracted by guys suddenly drove all creativity and interest out the window until the only thing that was cool left, was to not care.

I find the older we get, because we think we know it all, because we think we have ALL the tools in the world do we approach things so wearily as though we've done them before and anything that distracts from the evil-ness that is Candy Crush or Youtube or Facebook or TV is not worth our time. Look, measure what you do and tell me that a fair percentage of it is NOT spent staring at a screen of some sort. It's sickening after a while.

Then there's the people who go, 'wah lau, how are you so active'...errr, are you changing the world by staying at home? I don't think so. Go DO something with your life goddamnit.

What's functional then? Other than the physical and social activities that I've been absorbed in, my functional goals for 2014 are:

1) To learn how to code
2) To learn how to build financial models with full bells and whistles

Let's see where this goes. Enough random crap on fb!

BANKS

I'm thinking it over
The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame
I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love but I don't wanna cause any pain
And if I'm feeling like I'm evil, we've got nothing to gain

What if I never even see you cause we're both on a stage
Don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same
I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game

Baby I'm thinking it over
What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start
What if it only gets colder
Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart
Cause lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are

Chase

I. Am. Quite. Exhausted.

Just a little. This year has been a disjoint and draining on a level that I've never quite experienced before. Bipolar too. Next time I'll just count my blessings and be done with it. If there's anything that this year has taught me, is that it has pushed to the forefront the realities that life is never going to be always the same and status quos always change.

So, hold on, because life is and has always been a bumpy ride, but really, make your choices and do your best with whatever you choose.

This weekend came off a high of wrapping up a busy piece at work and started out on a Friday with KFC, two cakes, satay and plenty of booze, finishing off with champagne in the pool, boisterous chicken fights-where I almost drowned- and a rambunctious game of Marco Polo which basically wiped all us 20 something's out. Man, what happened to playing in the pool for hours at a time?

This was followed up with a bridal party on saturday with spa dates and hi-tea at Carcosa, then a 12 hours tango marathon where we smashed the last record of 7am, finishing at 8am with pancakes and bacon (which I did not get any of). Passed out for 6 hours before heading to La Boca and DJ-ing at Radius where by that time I was totally uninspired to dance. It's true! Too much of a good thing isn't really good either...

Anyway, December. Jeezus, this year has just gone and disappeared down some black hole again.

CC's survival guide to work

Thing's I've picked up over the years....

- Managers like to have push-back...sometimes. Arguably it's not easy being a manager and sometimes I have to remind myself not to sound so accusatory when highlighting issues.

- The work will sort itself out tomorrow. Leave it at the door and stop worrying.

- Deadlines are often never followed. Ever.

- Do your best, help people without thought of payback and the universe will reward you in good ways

- Keep your connections up, never ever burn bridges-crucial point I've learnt from some of the best mentors and has served me well, case in point, getting my 2nd job.

- Set the tone, jump straight in and try and help, but always own your work.

- If you don't know, then say you don't.

- Work hard, but more importantly, work smart.

 

New beginnings

This was my entry of my very first job 3 years ago

Of golf courses and financial models

I spent today traipsing around a golf course. In heels. Michelle Wie was somewhere in the vicinity. I now know that water retention is very important in a golf course and that people often don't really know what they are doing. Good god now THAT is scary.

Still adjusting, can't believe it's only second week. Uncovering more insights, nice bunch of people. See where this takes me.

 

3 years on and I find myself at yet another client site adjusting. Work is the same, what's different is the system behind it and the people.

 

Who knew that 3 years on my ex-colleagues would become the family that I would call on when I need support, entertainment, motivation. Now let's mark this as the new entry.

 

We'll see where this takes me then =).

Blessings...

...in disguise and all that shit.

Ma: "God gave you more."
Me: Snort, "What about my own efforts?!"

I don't know man, maybe if we take every little thing that comes our way as being something that was crafted by a higher being and we were lucky to receive some morsel of it, that's where a lot of this worlds troubles start. This insistence that we are working to enter some glorious freakin paradise above only serves to blind us to the realities of THIS life.

Then I was thinking, who in their right mind likes war? Who like putting all this effort into thinking how they can harm the next person? Are we as animalistic as that? I guess the answer is, damn right we are. There isn't a day I'm going to open those papers and find only happy stories is there? Oh well.

Then the instance where me and a good friend had exactly the same thought watching the kinda sweet x factor Britney acoustic song sung by the sweetest couple, EVER. That look she gives him recalls everything about romance that you would want to believe at that age (that age being..12 maybe?), but then you grow up and slowly realize after being burnt a few too many times that hey, maybe you will end up forever alone.

In short, I have turned into one of the most pessimistic and cynical people I know, just as I predicted I would. Bah.

Uplift

This world is getting colder, strangers passing by

No one offers you a shoulder, no one looks you in the eye

But I've been looking at you for a long, long time

Just trying to break through, trying to make you mine

Everybody wants a flame, but they don't want to get burnt

Well, today is our turn

Of Stag nights and Superman

Awesomely drunken night that I haven't reached the levels of, since Cancun 2010. When the world doesn't stop spinning after a couple of retchings, then you know you're truly fucked.

Pub golf 2/3 done, to be fair the bars were shutting already by the time we wanted to attempt #7 and not wearing heels was a good call on my part. Earlier that day did a 3 hour trek on Bukit Apek, 6 km and incredibly hilly slopes to a quiet, decent waterfall where we bumped into more people separated by 2 degrees of separation. Following that a hearty bowl of pork, pork, pork at Kui Lam after travelling through serai, durian, bawang lanes in Cheras. Awesome stuff man, the soup is extremely addictive.

As much as my time with Ethos has ended, it gave me awesome friends, that's for sure. Friends that started off as colleagues but soon became family really, seeing how they are the people I spent the most time with in the past 2 years.

To be alive. This is what it means.

Abject panic

You know that little voice? That one that kinda is the true you, the one that really says exactly what you're thinking and feeling about something. The one you choose to ignore a lot of times because reality is that life sometimes does suck and all you have to do is accept that and move the **** on.

That voice popped out suddenly in the middle of an interview, after being asked to do a task. 20 longest minutes of my life where for once I had no answer to the question being posed. Nada, nothing. It happened again at yet another interview recently. I haven't faced this version of fear of failure in quite some time, perhaps attributable to the fact I have not faced challenges in quite some time due to the complacency of work.

2.5 years+ later and I seem to be back to square one and even more depleted of motivation than before. At least last time I had the fact that I knew nothing to lean on, now that I know SOMEthings, I rather not know them again =S.

Anyway, time to shut up and just pick something.

I don't know anymore

I often don't know why things happen the way they do. Why do people come into our lives and make a mess of it? Why have I lost my dad? Why have I lost my aunt? Why have so many people that I know through various degrees of separation passed away recently? Why have I lost my job? Why have I lost so much focus over the years?

I don't believe in God. I believe there is something greater than us, however not in the manner we've prescribed it to ourself as. I cannot trust in something if I fundamentally do not believe in it. No matter what anyone says.

Often I find myself thinking, this isn't fair. It's not. When has life ever been fair?  I've lived by the doctrine that what you do is something of your choice. Once upon a time I believed in fate, in retribution, in karma. Now all I seem to believe in, is that life is what it is. Who knows? Who knows indeed.

Dive in!

That's what it takes. No more assessments and weightings of pros and cons, cost benefit analysis (CBA wtf), but just pure, unadulterated JUMPING IN.

At the age of 25, where the heck am I. Working. Sorta. Functioning, adult with own spending money and often just trying to act like a grown up. Meeting KLASS friends is such a throwback and one that is so different in the way that, we are interacting as we've always done and yet having forgotten a lot of the forging of ties that occurred way back when. Shared jokes, bonds, actions and how we've affected each other, quarrelled with each other, been mad with each other. Yet at the end of it, creating and inhabiting the present in what we once termed the future, with such a...clean slate.

Food for thought alright.

Mentally & Physically Exhausted

Marathon of interviews and so, so, so close to the finish line. But unless I take the next few steps everything that was previously done was for naught so fight on!

Viper challenge today, sunburnt face and arms, bruised knees and thighs, acheing knees and probably sore everything tomorrow. But we persevered. No one will come and get you, so what is your choice but to soldier on? Good teamwork, good effort, climbing 10 feet boards is a bitch and so is climbing hills without water. This is what I live for. Moments like these. 6 hours of chaos.

Now for a well deserved rest tomorrow.

Update post

Thinking back to the recent posts and past posts from way back when, my style has definitely shifted from a tell all that happened in the day to introspective, sporadic writings. Reflective I think, of the fact that while school times lent itself to more interesting things like interactions with friends in a rather emotionally volatile environment, work ends up being a mundane drudgery (trudgery) of boredom for the most part.

What have I been up to? I struggle with this question because my memory has started to shrink to that of  a goldfish i.e. 5 second span. I've been catching up with people on work related, job hunting talks, soul searching, shopping, eating out too much, more job hunting and spent at least 2 hours photocopying, scanning and emailing resumes, GCSE results, A level results, Uni results and CV's. It's a full time job looking for a job.

Yet I am pausing a little and wondering what next? This continuous search for something better, something that will give me the damn answer to life isn't ending anytime in my lifetime. Heck, I knew that years on I STILL wouldn't know what I want to do, and have no inkling at all. Does everyone else just have it more together than I ever will, or is it just really good acting on everyone's part?

When do I start feeling passionate about something again? Where's the next exciting thing going to come from? Maybe I should just give everything up and do something spontaneous, even more so than I've done so far. Get my masterdiver? Learn how to pole dance? Take up boxing?

This continuous fear of the unknown will bloody unravel me. That's for sure. I do think part of the cause is that, as much as I hate to admit that someone else was my driving force, pa was one of my role models from the start. The older I grew, the more I realized and observed how much his true friends really liked him and I got hints of what he was like before he was my dad. Funny guy with a wicked sense of humour, a ready smile, a boxer, rugby player and far and above a joker. Someone who could be in any situation and turn it into his advantage. A networker through and through but not sycopanthic about it. I guess I've always tried to live up to that, and without him here, it's almost as though I'm turned loose. Who will be there for me to try impress? To climb higher and recognize my achievements? It's hard and it's scary to be accountable to yourself and no one else, because human nature is fickle.

So many people have looked at what's happening and told me, take some time off, slowdown, grieve if you have to, just don't rush into things. They seem scared I'll implode one day because I haven't properly passed a stage. I can't take it, what WILL drive me nuts is slowing down. I need to do something, to feel something. Otherwise I will not be happy.

Shanghai-ed out

Ignoring the fact that I actually am now officially unemployed and I have done squat when it comes to parcelling out CV's to company A, B and C, and following up on case interview books loaned over the years and digging through old emails to dust off prep material and and and, ah fuck it man. Emotionally still a little distraught, but truth is that a bit more...aware that it was for the best. No more suffering, no more long drawn out what if's and days facing hospitals and tests. An eventual end staved off by the miracles of modern medicine. Maybe when the finale comes there really is a lot of peace to it, even if its accompanied by tear soaked faces and hearts forever missing a piece. Forever. That word still scares me as it lurks around the corner, but nothing in this life is forever anyway. Nothing.

So we pick up the pieces, we re-forge our routines, and we close the hole with time and depending on each other.

Went to Shanghai for the 3rd Tango Festival, wasn't planning on going, but decided I had to, to, I don't know, prove to myself that life goes on. That time stops for no man. Along the way encountered frustration, old friends and a lot of sleep deprived times. Also, pain. PAINNNNN.

There's something to be said about Tango. I'm at a stage of bipolarity with it. Super happy with lessons, with things I'm learning, with the way I am moving, but curiously, still not getting that je ne sais quo attitude that some girls have to the dance and how they draw guys to them like bees. Seriously! I can dance damnit! Ask me. Then I'll probably trip over your feet or knock down the tablecloth at the after milonga with water resting on it. True story.

Bloody frustrating. I was already complaining that I was missing the anticipation of getting a guy to ask me to dance, but wtf, I just got handed a big dose of my own medicine.

That being said, of the whole period, the best dance I had was in the afternoon milonga that was totally unplanned, on a superb floor, with a superb deejay. Brilliant, brilliant connection and tons of swivelling-ness involved, but stable, very very stable. That and the ever innovative Nick who started tango in Portland! His dancing was super refreshing after a bit too much traditional going on. Kudos to someone who can throw in new moves to rather old songs.

Also, have finally figured out the key, which was staring me in the face the whole time anyway. Disassociation. Always. The best female dancers have that hip swivelling thing down pat and taking the ladies technique class with Virginia made me realize exactly what every single damn teacher I've ever had from Mtango/MATC days to now has been trying to get us to understand. It's all in the disassociation.

So, there were some bright spots, but on the whole, sitting down for the majority of 4 hours is bloody not fun. A bit over the pretentiousness of tango =.=.

This has definitely reinforced a few points for me though...the best dances are unanticipated, and are likely in the most casual settings, where it doesn't matter how you dance and it's all about having fun. Simple. Like learning in classrooms eons ago, prancing around with the chacarera with CK, or on dance floors with gaping tourists in the middle of KL. Fun.

Back to reality anyway.

Remembering

I often like to think that memories last in our minds like books on a library shelf. The older we get the more storage we seem to need for these memories and the more we start cross-filing them under different categories as we link things back and forth through time, through events, through people. Much as a book can be categorized in a million different ways, so can our memories, and we pick and we choose and we find commonalities and we group them together, and we see patterns. I think we see a lot of patterns in this world of ours that are unexplainable, and sometimes someone comes along and tells you about another linkage, that hasn't happened yet, and you can either choose to believe or disbelieve, and maybe that becomes the bridge to whether that event happens, or not.

Everything you do is a consequence of something you've decided upon, and as much as religion tells you to live your life in certain ways, through a prescribed doctrine, it is actually nothing more than history. I hardly know what I did last year, and if someone told me something differently, I would probably replace it in my memory as such. In the same way, religion and texts are thing handed from the past, and whether someone is understanding it in 2013, or 1413, or 813, we've all had different interpretations of it. At each point in time, we kind of lump all these interpretations together, thinking that we are distinctly different. Obviously this is not the case is it? The person in 1413 was vastly different from the person in 813. Who is to say they were the same?

This post was about memories, about people, events, about how memories can be changed and forged. Never more so than when you lose someone, because then memory likes to gloss things and make it beautiful. I am completely cynical of this.

Sitting in the moment where I knew that my dad was going to die, I realized actually, I really didn't know what to say. At that point too, I also knew too that I probably would have a million things to say later, but he wouldn't be around to listen to it. I could not encapsulate those million things into that one moment that I had with him in that point in time. I could not. I did not know how. It hadn't come to me yet. It was something reserved for the future, how was I meant to extract things from the future? How would I get my future self to tell the present self 'this is what you were going to say'? It doesn't work that way.

All I knew in that moment was that I didn't have much time to say what I had to say. But maybe what I had to say was enough anyway. You can spend a million years trying to come up with something eloquent, but, when you're in the moment, what matters is what comes out of your mouth right then.

No regrets, none at all, I've lived my life and my relationships with no regrets. As much as I am a cynic I'd like to think that a higher power has good plans for me in this life, there's plenty more of it to be lived.

Grief

Death is a curious thing. It comes swift, relentless and we spend our whole life trying to avoid it for ourselves and everyone else around us. Yet when it come, we are inundated with terms of 'it was meant to be', 'no one can escape death', 'at least he is in a better place'. We conduct rituals and plans in accordance to what was done before. We receive condolences of sorries from friends and relations we hardly exchange 2 words to in years or decades. We remind ourselves that life is short then continue anyway in whatever we were doing. Hypocrites. All of it.

This pain and grief, nothing is like it, but much as we hurt more from a splinter than a chopped off finger does it also reflect upon this pain. When you get a taste of death you do the opposite, you become stronger. This pain has no emergency room that can deal with it. It is in you and only you can and will conquer it. Nothing anyone says or does makes you any the more prepared to face it.

What I've learnt is this, leave no stone unturned, make no enemies that you would unwish upon your deathbed. Because when the person is gone there is nothing in this world that will allow you to hear their voice, listen to their opinions or share their laughter again. Maybe in the dreams which are a manifestation of your innermost thoughts anyway, but no God or Buddha or Allah can bring anyone back.

Grief is personal. Entirely yours and yours alone, in the same way as love is. Feel it, immerse in it, then get the heck out of there while you can.

Pa, you taught me everything I need to know in this world to survive. Daddy's girl to the last, I take your traits of stubbornness and argumentativeness, but I also take your traits of justice, honour and unwavering commitment to your family and your friends. Thank you for everything you did for me, providing shelter, a good education and happy memories for me. I will miss your words of wisdom and opinions as I continue on in this life and you will forever hold a piece of my heart.

Duo

I often find myself overanalyzing things. That situations present stories, conversations introduce stories, events become stories in themselves. But at what point do we stop reminiscing and really discover what's in front of us, or is it that nothing can really be lived in the present, but repeated again in stories after? After all, how can you talk about something that is happening right now without treating it as a review of sorts?

The life you lead is a story book where you are the author. What will your story be?

Writers Block

The only outlet that seems to have any words flowing unceasingly nowadays seems to be my Tango blog. Neglecting this recently because, well, I frankly have not been inspired to write much, even though life has been fully activated this month and my sleep quota is ever-shrinking, even without bootcamp this month.

Off to Singapore tonight for a bit of RnR with the Michigan travel crew, but also battling a creeping sore-throat for the past 3 days. Urgh. Hopefully the heat won't fry too badly. In other news, the cruise package just came, I am looking forward to finishing my stash of GoT on a very relaxing cruise poolside. Can't wait! Also must remember to pack Tango shoes for London. Summer, here I come!

Purgatory

I'm fighting a lot of inner demons recently but I'm sure I'll come out the stronger of it eventually.

Just to keep stock of what's going on:

1) Tango weekend next weekend with Wesak day+Tangoblitz starting on Thursday + Chinese Tea Ceremony on Saturday!
2) Skytrex + Wedding
3) Singapore with Lulu!
4) 2 week Europe Vacay
5) Stanchart Marathon
6) Melaka Wedding
7) Shanghai

This will last me the next 2 months. Chaos & Fun, here I come!

Elections

It's funny how things can change in my short lifetime. From having an opposition that was derided, viewed at with suspicion and generally outcast, there seems to be a renewal and rebirth of sorts, and the internet has no small part to play in this.

Plenty of rumours flying about yesterday, rumours of tear-gas, of rioting, of conflict, anger, pain. Even a death, but this one probably more related to overeating cholestral laden Malaysian food than martyrdom. We all turned into Lord Varys, passing statements from whatsapp to facebook to twitter. It's easy though to hide behind the anonymity of the web, it takes another level to face FRU, teargas and the possibility of being injured.

So what next? Let's not forget what this one day meant to us, like Malaysia every so often making it onto a world stage, let's not allow these sentiments to fade into our tidak apa-lackadaisical (love that word) attitude that we carry until someone nudges us to wake up and, blurry-eyed and sleep deprived on a weekend, do we wander over and complete whatever task it is that we do in the name of citizenship.

Let's hold them accountable. Really. Because in a time where governments of other countries seem to have come to dead ends, we seem to be just beginning our journey. Make it worthwhile.

Teachings

It's been entertaining having new people join in for Tango, because it allows me again and again to retrace the steps from the beginning, from recreating (as much as possible) that earnest-ness that comes with trying to do what is now simple, but was terribly hard to begin with.

Someone (or a few people) have told me that I'm dedicated, and anyone who hears my weekly schedule often questions my sanity. Two words can thrown around. "Why?" and "How?".

The "How" is easily addressed, just cut into your sleep hours and maximize your nights. Simple enough. Before I started work, I could not imagine being shackled to a chair for most of the daylight hours, however, the longer I work, the more I realize how much of a routine it has become. What's most important though, is just letting go, every day. I often find stepping away from a problem, from tasks and coming back to them refreshed the next day makes it so much easy to accomplish and in far more efficient time as well. "How", is about maximizing your hours, about constantly telling yourself that, if not now, then when?

The "Why" is a bit more troubling to explain, and cuts a bit deeper. The "Why" sometimes is because I don't want to be left alone. The "Why" is about sometimes feeling inadequete, this deep-seated feeling that everyone else is charging ahead and you're left immobile as the world rushes around you. It's always feeling like you're 'missing out' on something. There's a whole world of difference between being alone, and being lonely, and sometimes it tips just too much in the favour of the latter.

Adventures. Now. Please.

The fact my instagram has turned so mundane and I have no new updates on my blog means one thing.

I NEED TO GET OUT!

Create...and delete

There are times where you find yourself lost in your own thoughts and memories and it's hard to get unstuck from one particular thing that has been playing on your mind for too long. Too long.

Lacuna? Where are you?

I've dropped some threads recently, sometimes it's hard to keep in touch when the people you keep constantly want to be in touch with just don't bother. But I do it with the thought that I've known them long enough that when we DO get back in touch it'll be like slipping into a comfortable second skin-no questions, just answers.

In other (happier) notions, full stack of Game of Thrones to read. Omg. Addicted.

Staccatoed

Plans plans plans tumbleweed-like through the days. Specific posts and multiple choices to make. To watch Game of Thrones. To Socialize. To Dance. To run. To Swim. To Eat. To Tennis-To Volunteer. To Dance and dance again. Yay. WEEKEND!

All you need are friends.

Hmmm

Random thought, but it's worrying when someone has to self-promote how happy they are. Seems a bit strained and...scary really, like delusional scary. Know what I mean?

Kind of how I had to convince myself I was happy and didn't care until one day I realize that the way to reach that wasn't by acting it out, but actually letting time make it a reality. Which it kind of has. Hmm.

Anyway, good girly weekend (after a psycho week of matching lands and delayed dinners), Saturday early morning runs around Bukit Tunku, Banana Leaf Rice + HnM shopping-Sephora rained in-makeup trying-perfume spritzing-blusher streaking-coffee n pastries-shisha St Patty's Eve, Sunday Briyani-nutella roti overload-subsequent comotose state-Genting Oldies and back to a Monday Bootcamp sesh. Phew.

WANTS WANTS WANTS. Too many wants huhuhu. =.="

1) Be able to do a handstand
2) Pick up a new sport/activity
3) Participate in a half marathon-improve upon 2:33! Goal 2:20....
4) Say yes more
5) Drop a waist size
6) Join tennis competitions
7) Cook more-twice a week dinner!
8) Do a Tango Performance
9) Sub hour 10k (59:53!!!!)

Woven threads

"May you be open to each thread that comes into your life-the golden ones and the coarse ones-and may you wave them into a brilliant and beautiful life"

I'd like to believe this with all my heart.

Stock check

Well well, good bye February! I don't know where you went =S.

It's been sometime since I stopped for a bit and surveyed where I am right now. Well, where am I? Work has gone through highs and troughs and I don't know what's next but if anything I am pleased to discover that I can now confront it with a bit more tools in mind. It's fine, everything will be ok. It always is.

Someone I had a discussion with recently seemed to indicate that he was at a bit of a dead end. Partially more optimistic me 3 years ago would have told him to smash through that wall and 'do what you want' because you'll never forgive yourself otherwise. But 3 years on, all I could think of was, life isn't fair, and sometimes it never will be, make the most of what you have and find your own spark. At the end of the day, no one is going to tell you what next, once off the leash of school you're walking on a tightrope that is of your own making. Unfortunately these tightropes seem to have created from plans made when you hadn't even climbed up the ladder yet.

So what do you do? Life is fleeting, it really is, and the more someone believes that they are done with life, the angrier I get. No, you're not, because there are so many more goals and things and people in this world to meet if you gave yourself the chance to. Everyone is a novice in something, the most brilliant professor is probably a lousy sportsman, cannot dance, or cannot cook, or cannot do a multitude of anything else you can think of in this world. Sample everything, never say no. That's what I wanted to tell him. But reality still holds you down, you can't do some things without money and support, and that is the unfortunate truth of life.

Which pool are you swimming in, at the end of the day? What happens when your good isn't good enough?

 
All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air I said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay

Oh the reason I hold on
Oh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving