I used to be a voracious writer. Whether it was diary entries, daily entries in school, story writing, and its latest incarnation, musings on Tango. Recently though I have found myself quieting this voice in my head, this part of me that is so deeply reflective that other parts of me ignores it, or doesn't want to warrant thinking of capturing this stream of consciousness into a documented form. To be read years later. I often think and write in a way that talks to a future self, what would I want to look back on, to really recapture the feelings at that point in time, to immerse myself into a self that I was way back when. And it's good, because sometimes you re-read these writings and all the emotions you've kept away, locked, forgotten come flooding back all at once. Bringing you back to a truer self that you were back then.
Where am I now? Sometimes emotionally lost, sometimes wondering what next, sometimes wondering how to do this adulting thing. I felt lost at 21, and I still feel lost at 30.
I often anticipate the worst things in life, just so I can brace myself for it. Warranted most of the time, but living a life with a barrier is not quite recommended either.
Where am I on this day - 27th of May 2018?
Disappointed perhaps, that emotionally still not quite stable. I've chosen the average because I could not accept or acknowledge the highs and the lows. These past few years, the moments I've accepted the happy parts of it, it has been met with the deepest of lows. Losing family, losing friends, losing myself. It's hard to open up the longer you live because there are so many experiences just hidden behind a facade. Hidden behind layers of yourself that even you've forgotten about.
Project number 16. I really am tired, and I mean it this time. I've had it about being half assed about everything in this life. I've had it about being untrue to saying and doing what I feel like doing.
Judgements. Of self, of others, of a belief you need to be somewhere by a time. I remind myself again and again that this life is yours to live. Enough with expectations, perceived or real. To really be happy. That is the goal.
Where am I now? Sometimes emotionally lost, sometimes wondering what next, sometimes wondering how to do this adulting thing. I felt lost at 21, and I still feel lost at 30.
I often anticipate the worst things in life, just so I can brace myself for it. Warranted most of the time, but living a life with a barrier is not quite recommended either.
Where am I on this day - 27th of May 2018?
Disappointed perhaps, that emotionally still not quite stable. I've chosen the average because I could not accept or acknowledge the highs and the lows. These past few years, the moments I've accepted the happy parts of it, it has been met with the deepest of lows. Losing family, losing friends, losing myself. It's hard to open up the longer you live because there are so many experiences just hidden behind a facade. Hidden behind layers of yourself that even you've forgotten about.
Project number 16. I really am tired, and I mean it this time. I've had it about being half assed about everything in this life. I've had it about being untrue to saying and doing what I feel like doing.
Judgements. Of self, of others, of a belief you need to be somewhere by a time. I remind myself again and again that this life is yours to live. Enough with expectations, perceived or real. To really be happy. That is the goal.
