Once Upon a Time

Written 5 years ago
_______________________________________________________________________Time inexorably flows on, to the point where it's been a year+ since graduation and job hunting and 9 months into settling in and looking forward to projects, to more experiences, to figuring out life.

Why is it always like this? Maybe I was never aware of holding onto something, but everytime I think about it, the more I realise there really is only one. For now.

It's like...topping up the vase of dead flowers in a vain attempt to revive, well something? But why fight then? What's the point, always a one sided affair isn't it? And then time just keeps ticking away, and I can see it happening already, a decade or two really. Because I don't want to let it disintegrate, so I try and keep it locked up, but the more you hide it safe, the more you realise that you're also losing the password to it. And I guess eventually you end up not caring anymore.  I guess.

And memories. Let's not even talk about them. I think the older I've gotten, the reason why I've also been able to be more chill about things, is because I've learnt how to let go. Let go of moments where I've paused momentarily and said to myself "wouldn't it be great to just have this on loop? Forever?" Those moments are so preciously rare. So, so rare.

What's the point of it all, when it all ends anyway?

Throwback

Been wandering through old photos since my Iphone needs more storage space and really having #tbt moments.

2/4 weddings for this year, 1 from work, 1 from Tango, 1 from Uni and 1 from High School. A whole spectrum of my life activities for me to observe and realise how long it's been since all these checkpoints in life. Funnily enough also a reverse timeline for me.

That juxtoposed against some very sad news coming in from family. Ageing. We spend our teenage years wanting to be independent, we spend our college years "making the most of it" while still stressing over careers and the future. We spend our 20's and 30's climbing up an imaginary ladder that will lead us somewhere. We spend our 40's either worrying about teenage kids or wondering what went wrong if we're still single/divorced.

Pulling back is always something I need to do. Being the youngest cousin of the lot, I am encountering a lot of issues with this concept of ageing because so, so many of the relations are slowly falling apart. White hair showing, wrinkles showing, serious illnesses manifesting left, right and center. I sometimes want to run away from this all, I'm not even 30 but sometimes I feel, looking at the picture back then and now that there are imperceptible shadows and shades of weariness and tiredness that are starting to creep up on me. No longer the SYT eh? Nope.

Forge on. I'll fight perceptions the rest of my life if I have to.

Passion

Winding down the year and reconsidering some of the passions that have developed over the years which have waned, slowly but surely. Some to a pleasant lull that will likely pick up again once plateau's are over (tango, still the main core interest), others relegated to a I-have-no-time-for-this phase (yoga, pole) and past passions with no more regular counterpart to keep up the interest (tennis). Then there are the latent ones, the ones which had required so many years of investment, but now barely feature in adult life (music).

Somehow have signed myself up for Choir on Sunday. I am terrible at singing, have never attempted to, and am now subjecting myself to choir in German. This should be interesting.

But the more you listen to people describe their passions, be it in the past, do you realise that the statement "everyone you meet knows something you don't" really rings true.

To rediscover that? Aye, that's the rub. Some people we meet later on in life seem to be passionless, and that's the most worrying thing isn't it? I've always admired the fact that when dance becomes the passion, it never quite wanes, and it is, the most expressive form and display of ones personality and physicality.

Especially Tango. Tango, oh tango.

Anonymous

Being in Singapore is kind of like being...in a Malaysian version of a Western city. But what's more important is, that I'm anonymous. I tend to end up with a completely different persona of myself whenever I'm taken out of my comfort zone, and sometimes I wonder why I do not do that when I'm in KL. Too much history?

Someone got down to the root of it when I say that I stay on weekends because I might as well make use of the time. Not really, it's more the fact that being away from home makes me so much more independent than if I were to be staying at home. Grown up? I think so.

Ann Arbor was kind of like that. Anytime I'm away from the home setting do I realise that, yes, I can survive and I'll be fine. I'm a grown up. Even if all I'm doing is pretending to be. Doesn't help that the equilibrium and rock of home has been turned upside down to the point that sometimes I wish I could just escape it all. Too many worries about the future. Too much guilt-tripping.

Sigh.

Job well done
Standing ovation
Yeah you got what you wanted
I guess you won
And I don't want to hear, they don't know you like I do
Even I could've told you
But now we're done

'Cause you play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I'm your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one's there for you back home
Don't cry to me, you played me wrong
You ruin me

I know you thought
That I wouldn't notice
You were acting so strange
I'm not that dumb
And in the end I hope she was worth it
I don't care if you loved me, you make me numb

'Cause you play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I'm your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one's there for you back home
Don't cry to me, you played me wrong
You ruin me

We're that song you wouldn't sing
Just a broken melody
You're killing me

You play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I'm your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one's there for you back home
Don't cry to me you played me wrong
You ruin me

Checking In

6 month project in Sg has seen me move across the boundaries for a M-F job. So far hours have been hectic and I have yet to picture an outcome, which is..worrying at best. Catastrophic at worst, but you know, life will sort its shit out eventually. And nothing is as bad as it seems, unless it's a death. Then yes, it's really as bad as it seems.

Singapore so far has been a hectic world-wind of dancing, brunching, lunching, dinner-ing and a bit of drinking thrown in for good measure. There's quite a bit about being away from home (much like Uni felt) that often unleashes a very *ahem* manic Id side of me that the other sides often feel the backlash of for, far, far too long.

Crossing boats. Always. Why is that? Is it more of the fact I need to introduce more recklessness into my KL lifestyle, or is it that KL just isn't a conducive environment for it? Probably the latter.

But what can I change right? Forging my own career and destiny often felt like something I would look to pa for approval for, now that he's gone I often feel more adrift than ever. Elated at the possibilities, but so, so fearful because there are no check-ins anymore. Welcome to adulthood, here's the keys now go.

Life happens like that.

The hardest thing you will ever do...

What is it? I've never been one to give up, in fact, I've never reached the point where I've said I would give up. But last Saturday at 7am in the morning, I sat on the rocks on the final stretch of Mt Rinjani and uttered the words, "guys, I don't think I can do this".

There is something very scary about looking inside and finding...nothing. Nothing but a gaping abyss where once your goals and hopes and dreams used to once upon a time sit. Nothing in the strength of motivation or that little niggling competitiveness that pushes you to want to even TRY. Nothing.

That stretch of Mt Rinjani could act as a metaphor for my work life currently, where sometimes I just sit back, look at what I'm doing and wonder whether there's anything more to this. I do not want to be 40 and be facing the same set of work. I really don't. That is what I'm so sure at this point, if of nothing else.

Anyway, Rinjani was a refreshing, albeit an out of character moment for me, normally I would be the person hauling everyone else up the mountain but this time I just felt. Tired. Mentally and physically. That being said, some of the best moments on this trip proved to me as it always happens to be, that when you put your mind to it, you can do anything. Absolutely anything. Even when you have nothing left to pull out.

Other moments like sitting by a firelight, finally feeling warm. There's something so elemental about a fire, after all we are reliant on aircons most of the time, but a fire? A fire for warmth and not for cooking...now that is a treat, and makes me marvel at how life can be so different by circumstance. I could be in a tent in the middle of a Sahara living a nomadic lifestyle, or at the top of the highest skyscraper on this earth. All because of where I am born, and maybe that's what is so interesting about life, that everyone lives it so, so differently, and yet we only catch but an inkling of what life is like for some people outside of the radius of our normal lives. And maybe this was always the case through history? That everyone lived so differently, settled across continents, lives taking shape and taking root until we all ended up with different languages, culture, skin colour, food.

Stories, stories of death. Of life. Of magical caves that deem you worthy of entering. Of seven mysterious deaths off a cliff. Of things within the crater lake. Things that you respect. Especially when being told in the dead of the night in a forest. Good god.

Sometimes you're faced with unexplained things, which you have to just accept as is. There are things in this world that cannot be explained. Reality is at best tenuous.

It hurts

"I'm eighty kid. If I die now, it doesn't really matter at all. I was laughing when I made it pass seventy but here? Here it's just the wait. Four out of my seven closest friends are already dead. The last one who lived just around my house and used to hang out with me just passed away, I still remember calling his son about it like it was yesterday. Nowadays I just think whether I lived a good life. And I believe, the answer is yes, and I'm ready for death.
"So in this long life, what was your happiest moment?"
"Finding out that the girl I loved, loved me too."

~Faces of KL

All this pain. All this anguish. All the why's and what's and how's that are appearing with MH 17 being shot down over Ukraine. Will this be this century's Franz Ferdinand? Will it? Or will we retract once again into mumblings of sanctions and toothless bites as economies struggle with maintaining their current form.

What is justice? What is justice? Is justice an eye for an eye or the willingness to allow things to go unpunished and to believe in a higher being. I used to think religion exists because humans needed hope on this earth. Now I'm beginning to believe that we need to believe in a higher order because nothing justifies anything that I am seeing with my own eyes now. What happened to doing good and good will come to you? What did those families on that plane do which justifies anything that happens to them?

As I lit my joss stick at the alter of my daily ritual, all the logical side of me could think is, what's the point? Why this anguish? Why hate someone just because they believe that they will die differently from you? I don't understand and I never will. All the theologists in the world can spend their reams of paper explaining the reasoning behind why humans believe in this higher order but logic tells me over and over again that it makes no sense. We fight and fight and fight and argue but when we are dead, we're really dead. Gone. Nada.

I looked at the list of dates denoting the years and months of rituals and absurdly enough, I hope nothing on this Earth gets replicated wherever I'm going next. Please, when I'm up there with my heavenly juice overlooking paradise the last thing I want to worry about are dates and rituals. Nope.  No calender for me please.

Those people lying in the fields or in the trains being guarded by scary scarred men? They are the lucky ones. They are the ones that have escaped this mortal realm, bless their souls.

Death. Death has hovered around me and with me for the past year and I don't particularly want it around any more.

And this fear. This fear that something bad is always lurking around the corner. That roofs are easy to break into. That kidnappings will happen. That car crash. That slip. That illness.

Nothing in life is preventable, and the older I get, the more I realise how we can never escape the footsteps which have tread before us.

Thank the stars? Thank whoever your God is? For really, apocalypse has never felt more real than now.

And we learn, over and over again that we never learn from our past. We are our best killers, our own population control. This brought the war directly to our doorstep, and it will not and cannot be ignored or forgotten as petty squabblings take over the front pages of the local papers again. No. The repercussions of this are beyond us and spiral into abyss that remains unforeseen for now. But echoes of an impending tsunami. Just brace ourselves, hold tight to our loved ones...and pray.

Halfway There

2014 half gone, been through a lot for this first half of the year, teaching tango, performing tango, going diving, learning new things on this job, keeping in contact with everyone, signing up for crazy things like G4G4 and Rinjani.

It's been pretty good so far, nothing new to report though besides the fact that I've been considering more and more about what next when it comes to going back to school. 4 years almost.

And as people move in and out of your life you learn to forge friendships ever the more quickly, take people at instant judgement, realise that certain situations will never be the same again but are ok with it. You learn that time takes friendships that lasted for the whole of schooling life and turn you into two strangers who really don't particular care about each other anymore whereas friendships forged in the current and now suddenly become your new clique. You learn to be ok with all this and realise eventually that everyone at the core of it, has to be comfortable alone before they can really connect with someone else.

Such is life.

G4G4 was good and as usual I'm fighting itchy bug bites and blistered feet as CC in the wild only ever does best. Think DOE bloody blisters and Perhentian Bug Bites. 13 km of running and 2 km of kayaking as well as an hour crawling up an 80 degree incline hill. Horribly disgusting but the sense of achievement is so palpable. 4th place of 15 teams overall so was a good run on our part. You can do anything as long as your mind is in it, this is why I do these things really. Much like DOE, or Rinjani coming up next it's about pushing my body to the limit as I sit here in the office in silence among people who pretend we don't see each other, each too engrossed in the supposed importance of their work. Words on a ppt. That's what I get paid for.

Foodie trips

Had a quick getaway this past weekend to Ipoh and Penang with the Ethos bunch before the workload starts for the next 3 months. I foresee no holidays until Rinjani, but at least the dry-spell of no public holidays gets broken next Thursday, woot!

Went to Ipoh, ate brekkie stuff, waited eons for the chicken hor fun at Thean Chun before wondering around the Kong Heng/Plan B around the corner. Left for Penang, stopped by Jalan Penang for Cendol and Assam Laksa, then got into the hotel and promptly ended up by the poolside sipping cocktails. Seafood dinner finally arrived at 9:30pm and was gone in 10 mins flat before we went for a foot massage and realised that some of us are super sensitive to pain.

Woke up at 8 to play tennis with the boys before walloping a huge breakfast and floated dugong like in the pool...sat around for awhile more since checkout got extended to 2pm. Drove into town and past Karpal Singh's house, found Ayer Itam Assam Laksa, Mua Chee and amazing sugarcane juice which I promptly spilled all over myself. Also the cleanest public toilets in Malaysia.

Passed out on the way back to KL, before ending up eating dinner in TTDI-yet again, hungry.

Was a good trip! Off to Sg for more project work in the upcoming weeks, ah the travelling life of a consultant, airports need to be closer to home!!!

Home

We were running through the questions at Ben's the other day and one of them caused quite a bit of thought and discussion. The question was something like, if given RM 5 million would you leave this country and never come back? After much pondering some of us felt that no amount of money would ever make it worthwhile to leave while others were ok with higher amounts (RM 100 million or billions) as justified by the opportunity cost of leaving - ambitious friends I have-.

The thought struck me as I was whizzing down Singapore in a cab, wondering how just across the border, Sg manages to showcase an impressive masterclass on how to become a developed nation in just 2 generations, yet given that, I would never trade the chaos of Malaysia for anything. Weird as it is, even though our wages are lower, QoL that much more impacted, politics and faith in chaos, Malaysia really has become home. It becomes the imprinted bed with a pile of bolsters, it becomes the familiar worn out t-shirt or pair of jeans that fit you just so. Not flashy, not outstanding, but comfortable.

At the same time a home that has changed, become a little bit more uncomfortable to experience, become a bit more conflicted, become a bit more, real.

Obviously my interaction with this country is done with a barrier of privilege in place, what do I know of suffering or poverty? I do not. But why do we often feel apologetic for this? That someone not the average, makes them automatically disqualified from participating in the rhetoric and discussion surrounding the happenings within a country? That isn't fair either is it?

It's been a few years since I've left AA, and even now as I ponder what next, I've realised that complacency has settled in big time. What next indeed.

Stock check on the first quarter of 2014, travel times, diving galore, breakthrough in Tango, performances, writing articles, new phase of work life. All's good.

Strangers

There are these moments in life where you find yourself sitting with an acquaintance, and for some reason or another you end the day knowing just about everything in their life.

For some people I find this process takes a long time and constant contact to occur, but for others, it really is that simple, honest, open conversation that dips into memories past to retrieve events and construct dates and emotions- where stories are weaved through time so you see the tiniest glimpse of the threads of their life tapestry.

It's kind of nice because in this cynical jaded world of ours, you find someone who trusts you with their information, who trusts you to listen and who feels comfortable around you, and in return you sometimes reciprocate with the same degree of openness and honesty. It's rare, but when it happens, it's memorable.

In other news, performed my first Tango Solo and it was a blast. Also conducted my first tango class and boy was it exhausting, but so rewarding. I understand why maestros are so tired after a full day now and barely want to dance at milongas!

Pauses

There's always a necessity to just take a step back and breathe. The world likes to interfere with your state of mind, what with running around day in a day out with a hamster wheel of tasks to do, pay bills, do work, shower, workout, meet friends, dance and repeat for the rest of your life.

Sometimes all it takes is a quiet moment to reconnect with yourself and your own expectations, hopes, dreams, disappointments, fears, and with each breath just...release.

I've always been someone who cannot pause. Illustrated by my busy first quarter schedule of 2014 thus far. This has always manifested itself in the way I express myself through music and dance, always rushing, taking a step too quick, instead of savouring and languishing in the pull of a ritardando, a pause or silence. Forever off-tempo and off-kilter just ever so slightly. Always, breathe before you make the move and don't ever just fall into it.

In other news, finally got a breakthrough in Pole. I've realised I cannot go into it when I am exhausted from bootcamp or gym because I cannot hold my own weight as a result and end up more bruised than ever since I'm reliant on body parts pressed against poles to hold me up. Was contemplating not continuing but since I finally can climb the damn thing I'll keep it up and see where it goes.

Under a starry sky

Sipadan Jan 2014

I am facing a dotted night sky, as clear as only island skies can be. Free from smog and light pollution that blanket a city skyline, the stars come out to play, sparkling lights on a black canvas, irreplaceable by the flashing bulbs of the tallest tower.

Waves lap back and forth, surging, rippling sounds as they crash into the stilts below me and the band plays on with a screech, Coldplay's Yellow suits the mood to a tee. One of their many hodgepodge covers ranging from Richie Ren's "Dui Mian de Nu Hai" to Italian songs such as "La Bamba". Around me the village folks have come to their Saturday night Zouk aka Uncle Chang's, half drunk off cheap alcohol and dancing to Gangnam Style. You know you've made it when a village in the middle of the ocean knows how to dance your dance.

Shoulders acheing from hauling friggin heavy equipment, BCD's and the whole gamut of equipment, oh and my own fats and weightbelt obviously. Putting on flippers with equipment hanging half off the side of the boat and your butt balancing precariously on the edge while wielding your spit filled goggles and shoving your regulator in your mouth before entering the water upsidedown counts as an intense workout in its own right. So does exiting to get onto the boat and trying to put your tank into the right hole.

Other than that, pretty decent dives, but still didn't live up to expectations. I was expecting barracuda's by the thousands and big whales or something, but obviously life doesn't work like that. Got acquainted with tons of turtles and white tip reef sharks though, and a lot of beautiful wall coral. Stunning stuff, like hovering above a garden. 7 dives in, and back into the groove! Also staring into the vast unknown below and around you is totally scary. Utterly out of elements. Human's are so useless in water.

Good company, decent room, toilet and food and this was a fun trip. Relaxing tanning times and no sun burns, woohoo. Deep conversations under night skies and acquaintances become the people who know more about you than some of your lifelong buddies do. Life is often such a mixture of circumstances. Interactions as we trundle along on the tracks that overlap briefly back and forth, forward and back. 

BANKS

I'm thinking it over
The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame
I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love but I don't wanna cause any pain
And if I'm feeling like I'm evil, we've got nothing to gain

What if I never even see you cause we're both on a stage
Don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same
I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game

Baby I'm thinking it over
What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start
What if it only gets colder
Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart
Cause lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are

New beginnings

This was my entry of my very first job 3 years ago

Of golf courses and financial models

I spent today traipsing around a golf course. In heels. Michelle Wie was somewhere in the vicinity. I now know that water retention is very important in a golf course and that people often don't really know what they are doing. Good god now THAT is scary.

Still adjusting, can't believe it's only second week. Uncovering more insights, nice bunch of people. See where this takes me.

 

3 years on and I find myself at yet another client site adjusting. Work is the same, what's different is the system behind it and the people.

 

Who knew that 3 years on my ex-colleagues would become the family that I would call on when I need support, entertainment, motivation. Now let's mark this as the new entry.

 

We'll see where this takes me then =).

Of Stag nights and Superman

Awesomely drunken night that I haven't reached the levels of, since Cancun 2010. When the world doesn't stop spinning after a couple of retchings, then you know you're truly fucked.

Pub golf 2/3 done, to be fair the bars were shutting already by the time we wanted to attempt #7 and not wearing heels was a good call on my part. Earlier that day did a 3 hour trek on Bukit Apek, 6 km and incredibly hilly slopes to a quiet, decent waterfall where we bumped into more people separated by 2 degrees of separation. Following that a hearty bowl of pork, pork, pork at Kui Lam after travelling through serai, durian, bawang lanes in Cheras. Awesome stuff man, the soup is extremely addictive.

As much as my time with Ethos has ended, it gave me awesome friends, that's for sure. Friends that started off as colleagues but soon became family really, seeing how they are the people I spent the most time with in the past 2 years.

To be alive. This is what it means.

Purgatory

I'm fighting a lot of inner demons recently but I'm sure I'll come out the stronger of it eventually.

Just to keep stock of what's going on:

1) Tango weekend next weekend with Wesak day+Tangoblitz starting on Thursday + Chinese Tea Ceremony on Saturday!
2) Skytrex + Wedding
3) Singapore with Lulu!
4) 2 week Europe Vacay
5) Stanchart Marathon
6) Melaka Wedding
7) Shanghai

This will last me the next 2 months. Chaos & Fun, here I come!

Woven threads

"May you be open to each thread that comes into your life-the golden ones and the coarse ones-and may you wave them into a brilliant and beautiful life"

I'd like to believe this with all my heart.

 
All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air I said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay

Oh the reason I hold on
Oh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving