Writings and musings

I often lose the will to want to write. Consulting does that to you when you have to form incoherent sentences to drive a point across. But sometimes, certain inspirations drag out of me the need to want to verbalise or frame what I have in mind about life. I find Tango does the talking for me nowadays though. I don't need to write, I just need to express.

It's been a crazy project in Dubai, highs and lows, tears, anger and fears all manifested into one big mess.

Always feel like I am at the beginning. Traipsing around a golf course during an LPGA championship.

Being a woman

Pole dancing has thrown up a lot of questions for me as I watch the teacher gyrate in her bikini bottoms on stage, bodies turned into references of 'boobs' and 'butt' and wondering why I can't arch my back the way she does. I'm in exactly the class that teenage me would have frowned upon, wondering why our bodies matter more than our minds, wondering why physical attributes outweigh my thoughts, actions, dreams and hopes.

But isn't that selfish too? Why do we seem to discriminate against one and not the other? The socially acceptable answer to someone calling themselves fat is, 'love yourself, society sucks, you should be comfortable with yourself rather than answering to someone else'. But no one sticks up the same way if a hot person were stupid, in fact we seem to agree to the affirmation of stereotypes.

Random thoughts that I haven't quite sorted through yet, but anyway, pole dancing. It's weirdly self-affirming which is scary because it really started out, and still is a manner of totally objectifying women as nothing but sexual objects. However tables feel like they turn when it becomes something a woman willingly does, as in, it isn't for the pleasure of men, but for our own pleasure. There's something quite liberating about a thumping bass and hair swinging that I guess most of society would frown upon.

But maybe we should just be less uptight and celebrate our bodies in the best way possible.

The other issue that has cropped up recently is that I am tired of hedging everything I eat. Every friggin thing that I see needs to be run through an internal assessment of 'shit I'm gna get fat', 'have I reached caloric deficit today' and 'do you know how many burpees this equals' before it's put in my mouth. It's actually quite exhausting, and these decisions happen at every single meal. Why why why why why?

I'm often sick of hearing women who are healthy and gorgeous say, 'oh I'm fat' or 'oh I didn't eat rice today', this perennial fear of being fat and unattractive haunts us all the time and it's becoming rather loathsome. Granted, I will probably continue to do it and complain about it, but I often think when I'm 40 or 50 looking back I'm going to scoff at myself too. Sheesh.

Abject panic

You know that little voice? That one that kinda is the true you, the one that really says exactly what you're thinking and feeling about something. The one you choose to ignore a lot of times because reality is that life sometimes does suck and all you have to do is accept that and move the **** on.

That voice popped out suddenly in the middle of an interview, after being asked to do a task. 20 longest minutes of my life where for once I had no answer to the question being posed. Nada, nothing. It happened again at yet another interview recently. I haven't faced this version of fear of failure in quite some time, perhaps attributable to the fact I have not faced challenges in quite some time due to the complacency of work.

2.5 years+ later and I seem to be back to square one and even more depleted of motivation than before. At least last time I had the fact that I knew nothing to lean on, now that I know SOMEthings, I rather not know them again =S.

Anyway, time to shut up and just pick something.

Be a man

There's this constant need I'm seeing nowadays of avoiding black holes that other people seem to like creating on a daily basis. Tension, problems, depression, unhappiness over jobs, love life, anything really. I can't stand it, I really can't. Even though it might be selfish of me since I've often been in a state of complaining before, I cannot bring myself to comfort people that have issues that WILL go away if they just stepped up to the plate. The socially acceptable thing is of course to listen and sympathize, but I often feel with girls we tend to sit and chew on the issue like curd for eons. That's probably one thing I like about guys, they tend to distract you with something else. Oh hey, squirrel!

Don't like your job for a year and more...bloody just leave!
Can't find a boyfriend/steady love life...so what? There's way more to life
Can't finish a run....train then!

If people spent the time complaining to actually DO something about their goals and to get outside their comfort zones maybe they'd actually get somewhere. The annoying thing is that issues never seem to leave, people seem to be complaining over and over about the same issues for YEARS on end. Literally.

Rant over. Sympathy is not what you'll get from me. When the chips are down there's only one person you can count on to get out of it...yourself.

Black Holes

There have been a proliferation of chaotic issues with guys recently within the friendship groups which has gotten me wondering, where have all the good men gone? Is it really that hard to have a functioning decent relationship with someone that won't a)break your heart b) break your heart c) break your heart.

I'm sure guys are of the exact opinion too.

I used to believe in soulmates. Now I'd be happy with just the mates part.

My roster of skype people are not replying me and again, I figure that I've come to the point where I don't have anyone I can really talk TALK to anymore. And that's kind of depressing. I am at the end of the day a total cynic and a pessimist and maybe I'm slowly getting dragged back into that hole again.

There's something fishy...

..going on in the air right now. Pollution + Cough + Painful jaw/throat makes for a terribly unhappy Christina.

Stanchart this weekend+Italy next week and a whole backbloodylog of work makes for a chaotic week. I miss bootcamp already. Urgh.

Discontentment

There's this growing feeling of emptiness, like a gaping black hole that I'm running away from day in and day out. As much as I want to fill it with things there just aren't enough things. I havn't been in a calm state of mind for the longest time and I still am not.

I'm never really satisfied where I am, am I?

Dreams are funny little things, they're meant to be moments where impossible things become possible and where all reality is suspended.

Why then the continuous barriers imposed even in my dreams? I couldn't even go near you.

It's Elementary

Dang. I just forgot what I was going to blog about =S.

Oh ok, now I remember!

In between the buzz and noise of work, work, random worries entering the fray, more work, self fulfilment and all that crap, a good sports challenge still remains the one truth that cuts through the static.

Elemental.

BFM OWC WTF

I was stuck in a jam somewhere between KL and Seri Kembangan when this gem of an interview came up on BFM at 630 between the Obedient Wives Club, Sisters in Islam (Marina Mahathir) and the Islamic Renaissance Front.

I almost died listening to this. The OWC could at least be eloquent and logical in its reasoning (arguing that women are inferior with absolutely no supporting viewpoints is NOT logical, or reasonable. Period.) But o.m.g. at one point Mahathir was listening to incredulously that you could sense the sarcasm dripping in the one word statements such as this:

"Marina : Okay, under what circumstances don’t you have to be obedient?
Azlina : Say for an example okay, come to sexual intercourse – you can’t sodomise your wife and you can’t have it during your period – that’s it.
Marina : What if you don’t feel like it?
Azlina : What if you dont feel like it? You still perform!
Marina : Really?
Azlina : Yes.
Marina : And you do that?
Azlina : Yes!
Marina : Wow."

Good god! I think I was cursing bloody murder in the car at this point.

Sigh, what mockery. Malaysia, you disgrace me.

The statement that a woman should be subservient and that she is the reason for her husbands cheating because she cannot 'satisfy' him is literally dragging us by the hair neanderthal like, back into the dark ages. What happened to equality! To fairness, to compromise, to understanding!

We're always sailing off for somewhere new

Reached the oasis of the weekend again. Ah. Finally. Tiring day where everything that goes wrong can and will go wrong.

It's hard being optimistic when you're stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and rain every friggin day that helps no ones mood. + work to do over the weekend so it doesn't pile up tomorrow=a constant nagging feeling that you need to get that bloody work done. It's always been like this, don't know why I'm complaining about it now. Not like anything's changed.

1

"Tom: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."

Maybe so. After a bit too much chatting with girlfriends about life, love and not too many laughs this time round why is there this perpetual nagging feeling that we need to be coupled up or that we're running at some ever closing door hoping to slip through before *shock horror* we're over the goddamn metaphorical hill?

Effing relationships and confusion just leads to both parties in a worse mental health of state than before. Granted, there is nothing like the first blush of meeting which generally either descends into quite a bit of disappointment, or in other cases compromise. I cannot believe I have reverted back to cynical self *smack*.

No, relationships definitely need work but maybe first you need to find the person to work with! Am I breathing after all this? Yup. Am I living? Yup. Do I have fun? Sometimes if it isn't a late night at work. Generally I'm functioning, but often I catch a hint of 'in an alternate universe, YOU would be here with me still'. And that's where it gets a little haywire.

Because sometimes I wish you would miss me the way I miss you. Conversations getting stunted and I don't know what to do about it.

I want to be woo-ed goddamnit. I like equality but sometimes a girl has to feel pampered.

Out of Control

There are so many things out of my control right now that I cannot do anything but sit back and watch. Where to go, what route to take, what happens next. Sometimes I feel like cutting myself off from the world for a bit. Find me in 2 months kthxbye.

Choices. Plenty, absolutely plenty. But that's what happens when you don't want to make a choice, where you hear whispers left right up down. Advice barging into your subconscious, what are you passions, goals, aim. I don't know, I don't fucking know.

There's this metaphorical self I'm fighting against. Something I COULD be. But if it's not natural how can I force fit it?

PS: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=general&src=me

“It’s somewhat terrifying,” writes a 25-year-old named Jennifer, “to think about all the things I’m supposed to be doing in order to ‘get somewhere’ successful: ‘Follow your passions, live your dreams, take risks, network with the right people, find mentors, be financially responsible, volunteer, work, think about or go to grad school, fall in love and maintain personal well-being, mental health and nutrition.’ When is there time to just be and enjoy?” Adds a 24-year-old from Virginia: “There is pressure to make decisions that will form the foundation for the rest of your life in your 20s. It’s almost as if having a range of limited options would be easier.” 

L-O-V-E

What is it? Debates raged on just 6 years ago (only 6?!). Between teenage years to adulthood everything changes, friends move on, schedules, routines, life.

IMHO, love is where without saying anything, the other person soothes all your darkest fears, makes all your dreams come true and generally, lets you be you.

Simple as that. When it's right it kinda just...feels right. Saying you love someone isn't do all end all, I'm past the idea of soul-mates. Love needs work and marriage doesn't guarantee anything.

Race

The last adrenaline rush when its needed most. The point of no return.

ARGH. Not as if this is do or die anyway. Right?

Life in chunks

Somehow life seems to come at me in chunks. I'm always setting my sights ahead to some day in the near future e.g. surviving til Thursday 5:30pm. Earlier it was surviving til last Wednesday at 2:30pm. These chunks always start at least a few days ahead of the deadline and always always always have to do with exams.

GAWD.

It's 2:14am, I have no idea why the answer to my practice midterm is the way it is, neither do I care. But that stubborn-ess that is me, won't exactly give up yet.

FARK IT ALL.

This is me until 12:30pm tomorrow.

The squirrel outside my window scratching itself is more entertaining than my notes.

Mothereffing Italian professor who doesn't know his material, doesn't know how to explain other material, has an accent that is incomprehensible with monotonous undertones which results in 99% of the class in a comotose state who doesn't know how to handle a mike and makes me wince everytime he laughs into it. Chicken scratch for handwriting and photocopied notes littered with underlinings and notation with cutoff photocopying so the lines don't even make sense and even if I had a clean copy I have no idea where these concepts are coming from, because he might as well be throwing chemistry equations at me. No midterm feedback so no idea what I got wrong anyway in the MC's and exam in 14 hrs. FML.

Distractions

It's that time of the year again. No, not Christmas. End of Fall Semester finals. The moment where everyone ditches the bars/clubs/parties for the UGLI/Grad Library/Dude/Anywhere with a table and chair!

Where competition heats up..."Dude, I like totally didn't sleep last night coz I was finishing my 10 page paper/studying for my final.." "Well dude I've gotten 5 hrs of sleep in the past 3 days"...quite pathetic I feel. First off, coz it's probably your own fault that you didn't start a 10 page paper before 3 finals landed on you. Sometimes I think it's totally pathetic that we attempt to justify how hard working we are by measuring how little sleep we get.


Meanwhile I'm procrastinating from reading about Heteroskedasticity as always by blogging. I'm not sure why, I think it just gives me an avenue to lay down my thoughts before I turn mental over my panic about my grade for 406. I mean I've been anticipating this final ever since I totally bombed the Midterm and I HAVE to get high marks. There's nothing to it. That's the only way I'm even going to scrape a B.

Not at a happy place right now.

It's like...

Lack of sleep... 
Terribly careless quiz...
Unable to sign up for a class...
Rejected for a position...
Classes where you dno wats going on...
Work...
Rainy day without umbrella...
Cooking...
Uncooperative Laundry...
Paper and homework...
Morning work..
Class...
Meeting...
Groceries...
Repeat.

Sometimes it's like...not your day. Period.

And the worst part is where you don't even know what makes you feel happy anymore.

I've always stated that I write best when I'm feeling emotional and I seem to have dipped back into it again. Maybe I'll run a regression on my happiness and on the right is definitely a -exam coefficient.

But perhaps my R bar squared wnt increase =S. WTF. I hate econometrics.

No not really, there seems to be a barrier with that subject. It's as thought I'm set into this self-fulfilling prophecy that since I bombed the midterm I have no more faith in my ability to score high and therefore by doing so actually explicitly impact how well I do. Pygmalion in the classroom for sure.

I'm really a coward. As much as I say I like a challenge I totally shrink when I fail to conquer it. I only like challenges when I win. Which is totally the wrong frame of mind to be in.
I realize that framing is always important. If you think the day will be good and act as though it will, the stars will probably align and it shall! Either that or expect the worst in everything and have a laugh. Like how I expected the laundry wouldn't be done when I went down 5 flights and lo and behold there were 10 mins left. So I sighed and trudged back into the lift and went up to cook.

Sometimes you just have to accept things.

Is it bad that sometimes my happiest part of the day is when I go to bed.

Weekend

Penultimate weekend to the end of my internship! I think I'm actually going to miss working...well, some aspect of it...

It's starting to become more dire as I ponder my future. Between me, Cristabel and Lilian we're going to be majorly stressed next year as we start to compile lists of jobs that are open, presentations to go to, networking stuff happening. At least Lulu is a US citizen, me and Cris aren't! I mean working back home does have its pros, but for sure it has its cons as well.

And can I really stand facing the million and one application forms? Questions like "Why do you want to work for xyz company? What are your strengths, what experience do you have?" CHRIST I effing dnt know!? Your company just appears in the media alot and you're like 200 yrs established and you pay well. DUH. But no, of course not, you put on that big plastered smile and think up some complete lie like "ohhhhh, because I am so fascinated with xyz industry and I've done xyz in school."

The weakness part always trips me up, I have a feeling that that's gna be my complete downfall. But in all honesty a weakness of mine is definitely being quite stubborn and adament in my opinions. I also don't take criticism well, or lying down. Which is definitely going to cost me a lot in the future. I'm sorry but I can't be the model robot employee....

I think its such a struggle to go from something that defines your self worth, within your control i.e. your studies/grades/extracurriculars, and having in a sense to sell yourself off in order to fit in with a company's profile or 'type'. I really wonder why I chose such a generic subject such as econs again. But I guess that's what trying to grow up is like isn't it? Learning how to sacrifice.

If I were a kid I could throw a tantrum and no one would care. If I threw a tantrum now everyone would immediately stare at me and go "act your age".

Anyway, busy weekend up ahead, tennis 2moz in the morning then Tsai Chin's concert at night, woohoo! Then dno what wedding dinner on Sunday night then next weekend Lulu's in town!!! yayyy

Spent yesterday going to the dermatologist when I decided I couldn't handle what was happening with my skin anymore. Watched Pelham 123 with Miko and Hema. Great movie that. Travolta ain't a bad actor but his voice still isn't that commanding esp. when he starts yelling, it kinda goes up a couple of tones. very ungangsterlike. Denzel Washington seems to have put on a few pounds...HAH, thought the guy who was the head of the team seemed familiar, he was in Transformers as the ex CIA guy...

Celebrated Hema's bday early at Nerovivo. Was a bit of a disappointment, either that or dnt let the friends order food =S. But Neroteca still is prob. the best one of the lot.

Headed to Lecka Lecka outside starhill after, yeah so much for gelato? Has somehow turned into a bar-restaurant-shisha place for Arab tourists? But shisha was good, paid 3x more than Hartamas Square. SHEESH. So much for location =S. Might bring Lulu there when she's down.

Got home around 11:30pm and went to work today. Tiredness.

Getting a bit annoyed at people who obviously get my message but don't bother replying. Well thanks. Just leave my invite on the table waiting for another (better) option to come along b4 replying. Or how bout this. Just don't reply at all. This is the last time I'm gna send out invites.