Throwback

Been wandering through old photos since my Iphone needs more storage space and really having #tbt moments.

2/4 weddings for this year, 1 from work, 1 from Tango, 1 from Uni and 1 from High School. A whole spectrum of my life activities for me to observe and realise how long it's been since all these checkpoints in life. Funnily enough also a reverse timeline for me.

That juxtoposed against some very sad news coming in from family. Ageing. We spend our teenage years wanting to be independent, we spend our college years "making the most of it" while still stressing over careers and the future. We spend our 20's and 30's climbing up an imaginary ladder that will lead us somewhere. We spend our 40's either worrying about teenage kids or wondering what went wrong if we're still single/divorced.

Pulling back is always something I need to do. Being the youngest cousin of the lot, I am encountering a lot of issues with this concept of ageing because so, so many of the relations are slowly falling apart. White hair showing, wrinkles showing, serious illnesses manifesting left, right and center. I sometimes want to run away from this all, I'm not even 30 but sometimes I feel, looking at the picture back then and now that there are imperceptible shadows and shades of weariness and tiredness that are starting to creep up on me. No longer the SYT eh? Nope.

Forge on. I'll fight perceptions the rest of my life if I have to.

Of Beer and Crabs

I was always an awkward teenager. I don't think there's any way to deny it, but teenage years sucked between the acne, glasses and untameable hair.

Somewhere in between stuff grew out. The hair became far more versatile, acne finally cleared post uni with a dosage of Roac and the glasses was the last to go at the ripe old age of 25. Despite that, there's another set of worries coming about such as the impending wrinkles and tired eyes that don't seem to be going away. There really is such a thing as wearing your age on your face, and apparently I'm a bit too readable.

But obviously this is probably the top of the curve and it's all downhill from here, man I really need to be more optimistic.

Had a great time last weekend catching up with someone that I'd only really met in the earlier part of the year, but sometimes you do realise that you click with people in sudden and unexpected ways. Barring age differences. Conversations about family, about life, about food, about dancing. When conversation isn't forced it is so comfortable and I've realised that people I click with all have family issues. Don't know what it is, maybe it translates into a certain personality that has learnt how to deal with adversity from a very young age.

Besides that tried my first AcroYoga class with C and dinner at Newton after before rushing back to get ready for Sunday's milonga which was fun, other than a very violent crash of heels of which I was not the recipient of. Oops.

Good weekend are of course followed up with Mondays from hell. The usual.

Back home this weekend, CAN'T WAIT!

Checking In

6 month project in Sg has seen me move across the boundaries for a M-F job. So far hours have been hectic and I have yet to picture an outcome, which is..worrying at best. Catastrophic at worst, but you know, life will sort its shit out eventually. And nothing is as bad as it seems, unless it's a death. Then yes, it's really as bad as it seems.

Singapore so far has been a hectic world-wind of dancing, brunching, lunching, dinner-ing and a bit of drinking thrown in for good measure. There's quite a bit about being away from home (much like Uni felt) that often unleashes a very *ahem* manic Id side of me that the other sides often feel the backlash of for, far, far too long.

Crossing boats. Always. Why is that? Is it more of the fact I need to introduce more recklessness into my KL lifestyle, or is it that KL just isn't a conducive environment for it? Probably the latter.

But what can I change right? Forging my own career and destiny often felt like something I would look to pa for approval for, now that he's gone I often feel more adrift than ever. Elated at the possibilities, but so, so fearful because there are no check-ins anymore. Welcome to adulthood, here's the keys now go.

Life happens like that.

Home

We were running through the questions at Ben's the other day and one of them caused quite a bit of thought and discussion. The question was something like, if given RM 5 million would you leave this country and never come back? After much pondering some of us felt that no amount of money would ever make it worthwhile to leave while others were ok with higher amounts (RM 100 million or billions) as justified by the opportunity cost of leaving - ambitious friends I have-.

The thought struck me as I was whizzing down Singapore in a cab, wondering how just across the border, Sg manages to showcase an impressive masterclass on how to become a developed nation in just 2 generations, yet given that, I would never trade the chaos of Malaysia for anything. Weird as it is, even though our wages are lower, QoL that much more impacted, politics and faith in chaos, Malaysia really has become home. It becomes the imprinted bed with a pile of bolsters, it becomes the familiar worn out t-shirt or pair of jeans that fit you just so. Not flashy, not outstanding, but comfortable.

At the same time a home that has changed, become a little bit more uncomfortable to experience, become a bit more conflicted, become a bit more, real.

Obviously my interaction with this country is done with a barrier of privilege in place, what do I know of suffering or poverty? I do not. But why do we often feel apologetic for this? That someone not the average, makes them automatically disqualified from participating in the rhetoric and discussion surrounding the happenings within a country? That isn't fair either is it?

It's been a few years since I've left AA, and even now as I ponder what next, I've realised that complacency has settled in big time. What next indeed.

Stock check on the first quarter of 2014, travel times, diving galore, breakthrough in Tango, performances, writing articles, new phase of work life. All's good.

I don't know anymore

I often don't know why things happen the way they do. Why do people come into our lives and make a mess of it? Why have I lost my dad? Why have I lost my aunt? Why have so many people that I know through various degrees of separation passed away recently? Why have I lost my job? Why have I lost so much focus over the years?

I don't believe in God. I believe there is something greater than us, however not in the manner we've prescribed it to ourself as. I cannot trust in something if I fundamentally do not believe in it. No matter what anyone says.

Often I find myself thinking, this isn't fair. It's not. When has life ever been fair?  I've lived by the doctrine that what you do is something of your choice. Once upon a time I believed in fate, in retribution, in karma. Now all I seem to believe in, is that life is what it is. Who knows? Who knows indeed.