Insecure

I don't think I've ever been comfortable. Just. Being.

I'm a worry-wart, someone who is forever looking at the past, pretending it were better, yet reliving the embarassments of certain times and forever stuck in-between spaces. Between now and the end of the year, anticipating yet again another event and the cycle of life spins and spins and spins like a whirlpool.

The past few years have been a haze and yet paradoxically, some of the most committed times I've made for myself. It's the whole, think of what you want, chase it, and if you fail, fail fast.

I forgot that motto for myself. Much as I was, chasing things, chasing potential, I actually idiotically got reminded to look at myself from the last person I would expect to hear things from. A tinder random who I started chatting with. Maybe it's true, the ones that know you the least will actually spot how you are presenting yourself to them, raw, from what you say, how you react.

I also blame the creatively stunted work of corporate life. For all my inabilities to express myself in writing. Also blame the best and worst invention in the world, the bloody phone/computer/robot that sits in our hands nowadays.

New resolutions - purchase 3 books and finish them by the end of the month.

I also feel the lack of deep discussions with friends totally don't create the same inspirations anymore. We talk about very superficial things nowadays and not what really drives us, or maybe we just avoid the hard topics because it is easy to.

Tomorrow, a new outlook. Enough with the jaded complaints. Enough with expectations. Enough with presumptions.

You cloak yourself from really feeling and expressing by presuming, and you believe that experiences make you the best teacher for yourself, when the best teacher is just acceptance, openness, and to hell with the outcomes.

That's when you always discover yourself, no?

Home...or something like that

Having run around for the past 2 years for projects where about half the time has been spent in countries other than Malaysia, I do sometimes feel a bit in a transient mood, non-committal, non-binding and hell, not responsible for certain aspects of my own life.

Slowly but surely though, getting back into the groove of being back home and realising that no matter where in this world I go, I try to establish a few basics - the feel of "home", the feel of that comforting lazy weekend waking up to activities like gym, friends, brunch and dance. That is what I try and replicate in every city I've had to work in so far.

Also being involved in activities happening. I feel that the pull of certain countries happens because I am almost a different persona in those countries. As though the transient nature of being there makes me want to participate more in the activities which are more "tailored" to foreigners. No doubt, a lot of the more hipster-ish movement happening in KL seems to be crafted more to an international middle class of coffee drinking, brunch eating, hipster, organic buying yuppies. But I do feel, Malaysia does it its own way, it incorporate things like supporting local brands, local artists, local shophouses, I think the difference is that, we have a history that we can lean on, that we can showcase, but in a newer manner.

And yes, it plugs us into a global network of what is "cool".

Anyway back to the workout groove and yet again the endorphins are helping the wheels to turn, the ideas to form and the discussions to happen. It's been a while since I've felt this gung ho about something and as always it comes in the maelstrom of work, passion and self evaluation that is happening.

Life, always fun to live it!

Travel

If one thing that travelling for work has taught me, it's that the more I step outside Malaysia's borders, the more I realise that I often act upon pre-conceived sentiments and notions of a country.

Case example, going to Paris for the Tango Marathon, there was some disgruntled sense in feeling that we were being treated rather rudely by some of the members of the Tango scene. In Dubai, having the taxi driver suddenly turn on the meter when the hotel bellhop had assured us of a flat rate. Little things like these that suddenly draw up the comparison..."In Malaysia..."

But really, "In Malaysia..." all these might have been multipled 10-fold, taxi's would have fleeced us and service wouldn't have been the best either. Yet, we seem to filter our lives by growing the barnacles that protect us against such negativity. We grow the layers of skin needed to survive in a country and carry this with us anywhere we go.

I do realise something though. It doesn't matter how developed a country is, there will be something that you pull and pick at and want to compare against your own sense of what home should be. Sometimes home is what it is, warts and all and it's not a black and white thing, no it is the multi-coloured rainbow hue that makes us who we are, and makes the nation what it is.

When people drag Malaysia's name through the mud, we are apt to also try to protect it. It's like how no one can use the N-word except for the people themselves, so really, no one can slander Malaysia better than her own people. But maybe sometimes we do need to drag our name through the mud, maybe sometimes its justified when we look at the powers that be and what they are saying, doing and acting upon. Yet when we defend it, we are not defending the powers that seem to want to test us with every step, we are defending the friends we have, the family that exists, the memories of time, place and childhood. Our identify, woven into the fabric of what makes this country great, and also what makes this country flawed.

Believe, trust, and the grass always seems greener on the other side 

Choices

We make choices everyday, choices about what we wear, where we go, what we do, what we eat, who we see.

Having worked in somewhat healthcare related projects over the past year and a half (unfortunately not doctors, more the planners and strategists around the concept of healthcare), there has been growing awareness about exercise and food choices which we make on a day to day basis. When you're faced with questions on a population level basis i.e. "How can we change the behaviour and habits of a certain subset of the population who never exercises, never stretches, eats nasi lemak every day for breakfast and wonders why they have diabetes/high cholesteral/stroke...-.-". Seriously people.

It's a choice, life has always been choices, despite the inherent boundaries which we are born with, we can and do find ways to work beyond that. I am intolerant of the people who rant about their situation but when asked to confront or do something to change it, back away almost immediately. There is absolutely no love or empathy for me in that situation, in fact I'd likely be more peeved than anything else.

This is also a reminder to myself, that, exercise and fitness isn't done for the sake of looking good, it's as much about feeling good and feeling strong and truly inhabiting your body and being able to push it to its maximum capabilities. This is why I exercise and this is why I dance and yes, in the middle of crazy projects where every day sucks bits and pieces of your soul, being able to remember that we are a physical being (and not just our brain and eyes) is so, so important. Confront the pain, push through and challenge yourself.

Back to Bootcamp it is. 

Home

We were running through the questions at Ben's the other day and one of them caused quite a bit of thought and discussion. The question was something like, if given RM 5 million would you leave this country and never come back? After much pondering some of us felt that no amount of money would ever make it worthwhile to leave while others were ok with higher amounts (RM 100 million or billions) as justified by the opportunity cost of leaving - ambitious friends I have-.

The thought struck me as I was whizzing down Singapore in a cab, wondering how just across the border, Sg manages to showcase an impressive masterclass on how to become a developed nation in just 2 generations, yet given that, I would never trade the chaos of Malaysia for anything. Weird as it is, even though our wages are lower, QoL that much more impacted, politics and faith in chaos, Malaysia really has become home. It becomes the imprinted bed with a pile of bolsters, it becomes the familiar worn out t-shirt or pair of jeans that fit you just so. Not flashy, not outstanding, but comfortable.

At the same time a home that has changed, become a little bit more uncomfortable to experience, become a bit more conflicted, become a bit more, real.

Obviously my interaction with this country is done with a barrier of privilege in place, what do I know of suffering or poverty? I do not. But why do we often feel apologetic for this? That someone not the average, makes them automatically disqualified from participating in the rhetoric and discussion surrounding the happenings within a country? That isn't fair either is it?

It's been a few years since I've left AA, and even now as I ponder what next, I've realised that complacency has settled in big time. What next indeed.

Stock check on the first quarter of 2014, travel times, diving galore, breakthrough in Tango, performances, writing articles, new phase of work life. All's good.

Resolutions 2014

Oh gosh. Here's 2013's review.

1) Be able to do a handstand-Failed
2) Pick up a new sport/activity-Failed
3) Participate in a half marathon-improve upon 2:33! Goal 2:20-Failed
4) Say yes more-Maybe?
5) Drop a waist size-Failed
6) Join tennis competitions-Failed
7) Cook more-twice a week dinner!-Sorta
8) Do a Tango Performance-Failed
9) Sub hour 10k-SUCCESS!

Wah lau, so I'll give myself more discount for this year given all the chaos. Let's try again...

2014 Resolutions

1) Travel to new places for Tango
2) Take up pole dancing
3) 80% Bootcamp attendance
4) Learn how to code
5) Do a performance
6) Consistent article writing
7) Study for GMAT
8) Be more spontaneous

Old Dog; New Tricks

I am super determined to make 2014 a year where I learn new things. Beyond the yes's that defined 2012 and a 2013 that got complete derailed and off course, 2014 is goal achieving year.

For a start, I want to rediscover the passion and curiosity that I went to Michigan with. I want that defining moment where you face a new path, a new story and are determined to do things differently, to meet new people, to change yourself almost. Yet still remaining the same at the core.

Why is it that the older we get the more we become stubborn, lazy and habit forming? Why do people lose the innate curiosity and imagination that we once had when we were 5 or 6 or 7 or 8? Or until the age that exams bogged us down and cramming useless facts and being distracted by guys suddenly drove all creativity and interest out the window until the only thing that was cool left, was to not care.

I find the older we get, because we think we know it all, because we think we have ALL the tools in the world do we approach things so wearily as though we've done them before and anything that distracts from the evil-ness that is Candy Crush or Youtube or Facebook or TV is not worth our time. Look, measure what you do and tell me that a fair percentage of it is NOT spent staring at a screen of some sort. It's sickening after a while.

Then there's the people who go, 'wah lau, how are you so active'...errr, are you changing the world by staying at home? I don't think so. Go DO something with your life goddamnit.

What's functional then? Other than the physical and social activities that I've been absorbed in, my functional goals for 2014 are:

1) To learn how to code
2) To learn how to build financial models with full bells and whistles

Let's see where this goes. Enough random crap on fb!