Of golf courses and financial models

I spent today traipsing around a golf course. In heels. Michelle Wie was somewhere in the vicinity. I now know that water retention is very important in a golf course and that people often don't really know what they are doing. Good god now THAT is scary.

Still adjusting, can't believe it's only second week. Uncovering more insights, nice bunch of people. See where this takes me.

Beginnings

First day on the job tomorrow. Eeps. See how it goes then shall we?

MSU vs Umich absolute failure! argh. Kinda miss the hype of standing in the student section with the absolute crazy pandemonium of sheer chaotic last minute wins. do NOT miss drunk idiots and near fights. It really is about the people that made AA what it was, wasn't it?

Ashes and Memories

Sometimes it's easier being honest with people you barely know than it is with people whom you've known for years. The human mind likes to attach certain unyielding and unchanging traits to the people we meet in our lives. The longer we know someone the more there is to forget about them and the more we know them, the more we tend to believe that we truly "know" them. As in, we know all about them and that's all there is. But maybe that's where we're proven wrong, just a little. Maybe it is at that point where we assume we know all there is to know about someone that they change, mutate, grow. We are after all the sum of our experiences and no one and nothing is ever unchanging.

Truth is though, whatever we present to others as the "I" is what we really want to be. It just takes time for the other less savory aspects of our character to present itself, and you know you're true friends when that ship survives it all. But time really tries its best to knock dents in it. Sometimes bad memories are all you have, where against your better judgment you clung on because once upon a time you needed it, but not anymore. It's sad but maybe somewhere in the past there was once happy times that once included that person you called friend.

The most beautiful reality is your own. After all, we are all actors in this play called life only once, so make it a performance to remember.

Jewel-Stand

Walk in a corner shop
See a shoplifting cop
See the old lady with a gun
See the hero try to run
Nothing's what it seems, I mean
It's not all dirty, but it's not all clean
There's children paying bills
There's monks buying thrills
There's pride for sale in magazines
There's pills for rent to make you clean
Marvin Gaye, there's no brother, brother
Woody Guthrie's land can't feed Mother

Mothers weep, children sleep
So much violence ends in silence
It's a shame there's no one to blame
For all the pain that life brings
If you will just take me It might just complete me
And together we can make a stand

A waitress brings me lunch
We meet but do not touch
On TV, D.C. is selling lies
While in the corner, King's dream dies
Go to the counter, pay for me and my friend
A homeless man pulls out a roll, says it's on him
The mayor has no cash
He said he spent it on hookers and hash


you will love me, I will love you

Who are you

UVA's application asked for one word that was your favourite. I chose I. In hindsight reading that 10 lines of writing it seems kinda pretentious. Heck, who really knows what one word is a favourite. Maybe if it were symbolic writing like chinese which takes on more of an art form than anything, then perhaps we can talk about favourites.

4 years since applications for universities, funny how years of education lead up to that one last hurdle and in a blink of an eye it vanishes, poof. I scoffed at people who wanted to stay in school, who got PHD's, who never left and stayed on as professors, teachers. I now know why it's so appealing. Maybe I'll change my mind once I start work, who knows.

Who am I? Someone that realized that she can achieve anything if she puts her mind to it. Someone who seized the things she was good at, applied herself to it and realized that everything works out in the end anyway. And a B+ is not fail. Someone who has no regrets these past few years, none at all. I did what I did when I wanted to do it, and that is that.

I've always failed at one time goals that I place before myself, failed at achieving what others labelled "best". But maybe it's an acceptance that grades reflect nothing but your ability to run on the hamster wheel of education. It's everything you learn outside of it that truly counts, how to earn the respect of your peers, your mentors, your seniors, your bosses, and Michigan unlocked that for me. It's exactly like Pachella said, if you choose what you want and stick with it, it all works out in the end.

I had this conversation with a lovely friend from Tango yesterday about how I had NO idea how to execute a move that I was being led into, and stubborn me who thinks that she can master Tango if she just TRIES hard enough will never settle for realizing that she has limitations and not taking lessons isn't helping anything. Anyway, Tango is so Zen like in the realization that only when you master all the moves then do you return to the very basic, walking, feeling, musicality. But above all, it takes the struggle of learning all the other things in order to execute the simple things well ala Carlos Gavito. The hardest things in life (sitting still and emptying your brain) come across as the simplest don't they?

Anyway, the mark of a truly good leader is one who will make you feel comfortable, at whatever level you are at. However, I argue that you always need a little push, someone who takes you out of your comfort zone just a notch to show you what you can do next. Otherwise it's easy to settle into routine. But above all, embrace and musicality are paramount.

Routine really does change doesn't it. Surround yourself with the positive, create something within yourself that is solid and unchanging so you can cling on the rough sea of life, that's probably the best advice.

Chances throw up Choices

I think it's irony when the moment you sit down and try and focus on something akin to meditation, your mind decides to explode into riots of colours, thoughts and worries. Currently in Taipei enjoying the hotsprings at Beitou. Quite an interesting place, and geothermal springs really do smell like rotten eggs.

Slightly worried at how tired I can be i.e. tired after 4 hours of going out and being able to conk out in bed after breakfast.

Finishing reading Eat, Pray, Love and I absolutely loved it. God, I'm turning into one of those middle age women searching for life's answers at 22. Why can't I be normal and worry bout nothing but money, clubbing and getting drunk. Hah. Mainly because that was never me and never will be me. Her thoughts on meditation were pretty enlightening though, but anytime I read that and think about whether I can attempt it myself, the more I realize that I probably never will be able to, just too fidgety and there's way too much out there to discover.

One foot here, one foot there. Waiting for dates in the future, then what? True, time heals all wounds, but I'll repeat again, you're always left with scars, in your memories, in your thoughts, in your dreams. A bubble of perfection that remains no where but in your conscience. A map that lies tucked into a bedside drawer, holding a certain white card that wasn't taken back, a reminder of something that was so dream like. Did 3 years really pass that fast? Was it only 2 months? Scrolling through forms and money thought and random snippets of conversation that pale to replace the very real hug. I can't say I miss you. I've somehow executed perfect snip out memory and created barriers that Freud put words to a century ago. Scientifically unproven but who ever proved the human mind. In the words of Eminem "We made you".

I gave up the fight already. Even before it started.

Sometimes I want to take this mind of mine and give it a good shake. Maybe then it'll listen.

Labels labels labels. The mind needs labels to believe it can fulfill those labels and when we don't measure up to someone else (or several others) in that label then we drop that bloody label. Or it comes when we cannot stomach being labeled that anymore. What's your label?

I don't know what it is that I miss anymore.

Shine the Light

I love Tumblr images. Something so soothing about the way there is a hodge podge of everything beautiful in this world that is filtered through someone elses lenses, someone elses vision, someone elses thoughts.

Peace. At last? No way. In limbo, still searching, this journey just started, time to act as though I'm 21 and not 50. Goals, milestones yet to be set. Truth is...we never revel in the present, roll through it like high tumbleweed, shut our eyes and let our senses take over, to really feel, everything and anything.

We always need to express ourselves, but sometimes we need to shut up and let our inner thoughts take over. There's enough noise in the world, we don't need to add more to it.