Life of a Consultant

Back in Singapore a year on for a short project this time. Funny to think that it's already been a year and that a year ago I'd be confused, no idea what was coming up next and trying not to eff up too much. Now, far more in control and at ease with where I am work-wise.

So far, back to the groove of work again. Fingers crossed for this upcoming year and its challenges and responsibilities. Thinking of taking LOA for a bit next year, so will see where that goes! Argentina, here I come!

Being Present

I used to document days of my life. Through high school and every mundane little detail that came my way. Now relegated to the closed down site of Xanga along with all the memories, big and small, encapsulated under one title of "The Teenage Years". It's easy to forget all the nuances of events, of people we have crossed paths with over and over again until one day when you're hunting through stacks of photos because someones wedding is coming up and you dig up all the chronological events of a decade past, laughing at some of the images and still, remembering what led up to that photo, or this photo, or what you were feeling or thinking. It's funny how with a camera literally glued to my palm now, I take less pictures than I once did when it had to be printed and put into an album.

Sometimes you do feel disconnected, and wonder, truly wonder, where do you belong? Are you a part of something? Do you stand for something? 

Oh, if you could see me now

Happiness. What we always strive for. The reason for our existence I daresay.

Mad Men finished on a 'Zen' mode. Perhaps Don was always falling, for 7 seasons he was falling until he hit rock bottom. And then, there he is, sitting on a couch, watching his Coke creation. Death and creation. Beginnings and Ends.

I had a dream last night, a last hug with the one person I would trade my life years for, just for a while more. It seems surreal that it has been almost 2 years since pa passed away, and there he was, or at least a form of him was, all I knew was that I was crying in the dream and I woke up with my pillow soaked in tears.

If we lived in two realms, the one of reality and the one of imagination, then dreams would connect us. For, really it is there that all the hidden thoughts come alive and sometimes feels even more real than the waking world. 

Balik Rumah

I'm back after 7 months away from home (the first since Uni days) and it was a good 'break' away. Granted, some late nights, a bit of stress and crazy people but hey, survived, learned, met new people, formed a new group of work colleagues. Realised that Singaporeans aren't that different from us Malaysian's and government in developed countries are sometimes equally as hopeless, in different ways. One actively and knowingly and the other just stupidly bodoh.

Heading back this weekend to experience Sg as a tourist again. Dropping by the milongas that have become my second home, buzzing around public transport which has become such a norm for me. But surprisingly, none of the nostalgia that came with leaving University.

Right now, semi enjoying the time off and looking forward to Dive trips, Tango Blitzing, Tango down South and Tango in Istanbul. Again, stabilising to a new norm with Tango at the center of it all.

Good times!

Once

Una vez, sólo te vi una vez                One time, I saw you only one time
Y te amé, sólo bastó una vez.            and I loved you, one time was enough.

There are moments in my life where I look back and think that certain times have been nothing but dreams. 10 years ago, on the brink of GCSE's and with a totally different set of friends, a totally different set of problems. Fast forward these 10 years, 1 University, 2 jobs and countless numbers of people encountered in between. A couple of people lost as well and those who have had the biggest impact on me.

Plenty of secrets unearthed.

There was a moment recently looking back at old photos, at friends who are no longer connected to us daily for hours at a time, where I've realised how tired I've become. That I rather quick, fast food relationships ring fenced by activities rather than really knowing someone inside out.

In short, I am quite tired of getting to know people, and this may be a good thing too. Life is kinda exhausting to cling onto those that no longer naturally fit in.

Strives

2 months into Yoga and I'm thinking this is my new Tango. I still entirely miss Bootcamp and would run back to it at once if I'm heading back to KL, but Yoga somehow allows me to connect on another level between my mind and body.

Results? A far conscientious effort to want to exercise and stretch. An awareness of what I am eating and putting into my own body. A need to want to overcome the harmful effects of sitting in front of a computer for 8 hour stretches. Above all, a damn determination to want to be able to do a headstand/split/wtv acrobatic balancing there is. Toes, you shall be my best friend some day.

I have always been curious as to why it is so hard to "do the right thing" when it comes to health and choices. Does it fundamentally boil down to what is easily accessible? Cheap? Self-gratifying? Addictive? All of the above? Likely.

But everything we do in life is a consequence of a choice, and ultimately, I am led to believe these are all choices within our control. Barring all talk on DNA or family or friends or life circumstances, everything we do has an element of our own choice in it, and therefore it is reversible. If we want to seize it with both hands and make it our own.

Throwback

Been wandering through old photos since my Iphone needs more storage space and really having #tbt moments.

2/4 weddings for this year, 1 from work, 1 from Tango, 1 from Uni and 1 from High School. A whole spectrum of my life activities for me to observe and realise how long it's been since all these checkpoints in life. Funnily enough also a reverse timeline for me.

That juxtoposed against some very sad news coming in from family. Ageing. We spend our teenage years wanting to be independent, we spend our college years "making the most of it" while still stressing over careers and the future. We spend our 20's and 30's climbing up an imaginary ladder that will lead us somewhere. We spend our 40's either worrying about teenage kids or wondering what went wrong if we're still single/divorced.

Pulling back is always something I need to do. Being the youngest cousin of the lot, I am encountering a lot of issues with this concept of ageing because so, so many of the relations are slowly falling apart. White hair showing, wrinkles showing, serious illnesses manifesting left, right and center. I sometimes want to run away from this all, I'm not even 30 but sometimes I feel, looking at the picture back then and now that there are imperceptible shadows and shades of weariness and tiredness that are starting to creep up on me. No longer the SYT eh? Nope.

Forge on. I'll fight perceptions the rest of my life if I have to.