Being a woman

Pole dancing has thrown up a lot of questions for me as I watch the teacher gyrate in her bikini bottoms on stage, bodies turned into references of 'boobs' and 'butt' and wondering why I can't arch my back the way she does. I'm in exactly the class that teenage me would have frowned upon, wondering why our bodies matter more than our minds, wondering why physical attributes outweigh my thoughts, actions, dreams and hopes.

But isn't that selfish too? Why do we seem to discriminate against one and not the other? The socially acceptable answer to someone calling themselves fat is, 'love yourself, society sucks, you should be comfortable with yourself rather than answering to someone else'. But no one sticks up the same way if a hot person were stupid, in fact we seem to agree to the affirmation of stereotypes.

Random thoughts that I haven't quite sorted through yet, but anyway, pole dancing. It's weirdly self-affirming which is scary because it really started out, and still is a manner of totally objectifying women as nothing but sexual objects. However tables feel like they turn when it becomes something a woman willingly does, as in, it isn't for the pleasure of men, but for our own pleasure. There's something quite liberating about a thumping bass and hair swinging that I guess most of society would frown upon.

But maybe we should just be less uptight and celebrate our bodies in the best way possible.

The other issue that has cropped up recently is that I am tired of hedging everything I eat. Every friggin thing that I see needs to be run through an internal assessment of 'shit I'm gna get fat', 'have I reached caloric deficit today' and 'do you know how many burpees this equals' before it's put in my mouth. It's actually quite exhausting, and these decisions happen at every single meal. Why why why why why?

I'm often sick of hearing women who are healthy and gorgeous say, 'oh I'm fat' or 'oh I didn't eat rice today', this perennial fear of being fat and unattractive haunts us all the time and it's becoming rather loathsome. Granted, I will probably continue to do it and complain about it, but I often think when I'm 40 or 50 looking back I'm going to scoff at myself too. Sheesh.

Under a starry sky

Sipadan Jan 2014

I am facing a dotted night sky, as clear as only island skies can be. Free from smog and light pollution that blanket a city skyline, the stars come out to play, sparkling lights on a black canvas, irreplaceable by the flashing bulbs of the tallest tower.

Waves lap back and forth, surging, rippling sounds as they crash into the stilts below me and the band plays on with a screech, Coldplay's Yellow suits the mood to a tee. One of their many hodgepodge covers ranging from Richie Ren's "Dui Mian de Nu Hai" to Italian songs such as "La Bamba". Around me the village folks have come to their Saturday night Zouk aka Uncle Chang's, half drunk off cheap alcohol and dancing to Gangnam Style. You know you've made it when a village in the middle of the ocean knows how to dance your dance.

Shoulders acheing from hauling friggin heavy equipment, BCD's and the whole gamut of equipment, oh and my own fats and weightbelt obviously. Putting on flippers with equipment hanging half off the side of the boat and your butt balancing precariously on the edge while wielding your spit filled goggles and shoving your regulator in your mouth before entering the water upsidedown counts as an intense workout in its own right. So does exiting to get onto the boat and trying to put your tank into the right hole.

Other than that, pretty decent dives, but still didn't live up to expectations. I was expecting barracuda's by the thousands and big whales or something, but obviously life doesn't work like that. Got acquainted with tons of turtles and white tip reef sharks though, and a lot of beautiful wall coral. Stunning stuff, like hovering above a garden. 7 dives in, and back into the groove! Also staring into the vast unknown below and around you is totally scary. Utterly out of elements. Human's are so useless in water.

Good company, decent room, toilet and food and this was a fun trip. Relaxing tanning times and no sun burns, woohoo. Deep conversations under night skies and acquaintances become the people who know more about you than some of your lifelong buddies do. Life is often such a mixture of circumstances. Interactions as we trundle along on the tracks that overlap briefly back and forth, forward and back. 

Perspective

Today's newspaper highlighted that the Hubble Space Telescope had managed to see further into the past than ever before. It peered into deepspace and told us of a past that is close to unfathomable to me. Which then got me thinking about why we're even on earth. This shift of perspective outward, far beyond my own being, into the How's and Why's. We seem to have answers for the How's, but as for Why we're here...well, that's an answer that has driven countless conflicts in this world. Just pause for a second, forget that stupid analysis you were meant to be doing and just think. Ever fibre of who you are today was a genetic lottery, a mashup of stars and a big bang. So they say. Will we ever know?

Makes you go, why? Why does this work I do even matter? In the perspective of the eternal universe, does it really matter?!

The fascinating thing is the amount of conflict life has given us. The religious fanatics refuse to believe anything hard science has proven while hard science stubbornly clings on to its facts and figures, neglecting the fundamental core, of answering the why. Why us? Why this conscience? What's the point?

It is a weird sensation. All these greater questions about life and all I can think about on a daily basis is what is for lunch...wasted intelligence man.

Anyway, a few days ago I was thinking about things as usual and I started thinking about this. I started thinking about who I was as a person. I've always felt that, when we're younger we feel the pressures of conforming (or not) to a certain type, taking on your favourite singer or idol of any kind and acting out who they are as a character for yourself. Like listening to Avril Lavigne was cool, liking Complicated as a song was cool because it spoke oh so much to your life at that time. Teenage years are funny because that amount of pressure you get to try and differentiate yourself using someone famous as your avator is unseen after the period. We might look back at nostalgia at the juniors we once were and snort at what we used to think was cool, or yell spice up your life in the next decades of karaoke sessions. Every. Single. Time.

But maybe it's this. The older we get, the more we settle. Settle into a routine, settle into an identity, because we've spent all our teenage years trying to be someone else. When you hit University, you tend to mature, to figure out more where you are and where you want to be, in general. Because you've lived all these personas over the past years, and because you've tried all these different 'skins', you can almost refer to yourself back in that era as someone else.

You come to terms with who you are as person, what you believe in, what you want to be and who you want to project yourself to be. Settled. You're less compelled to feel that there's a difference between who you are and who the person you really want to be is. The older you are, the more assured you are as a person, because you've seen more and been through more to make you more certain, since you've already made the decisions to get to your current state. It's this realisation that hey, shit happens, life is chaos, work will always be stressful, so just set it all aside and enjoy the moments that make you smile, laugh and feel alive.

On other notes, I started writing my daily 'Thankful for...' notes again. There are currently mini bumps on my forearms which means bootcamp is back in fullswing, and I am super sleep deprived which means my roster of activities is on a roll. Also my feet hurt as always which means Tango is back on with a  vengeance. And in 6 days I will be frolicking among whales in the deep blue sea and being lulled to sleep by crashing waves. Yes Please!!!

Resolutions 2014

Oh gosh. Here's 2013's review.

1) Be able to do a handstand-Failed
2) Pick up a new sport/activity-Failed
3) Participate in a half marathon-improve upon 2:33! Goal 2:20-Failed
4) Say yes more-Maybe?
5) Drop a waist size-Failed
6) Join tennis competitions-Failed
7) Cook more-twice a week dinner!-Sorta
8) Do a Tango Performance-Failed
9) Sub hour 10k-SUCCESS!

Wah lau, so I'll give myself more discount for this year given all the chaos. Let's try again...

2014 Resolutions

1) Travel to new places for Tango
2) Take up pole dancing
3) 80% Bootcamp attendance
4) Learn how to code
5) Do a performance
6) Consistent article writing
7) Study for GMAT
8) Be more spontaneous

Old Dog; New Tricks

I am super determined to make 2014 a year where I learn new things. Beyond the yes's that defined 2012 and a 2013 that got complete derailed and off course, 2014 is goal achieving year.

For a start, I want to rediscover the passion and curiosity that I went to Michigan with. I want that defining moment where you face a new path, a new story and are determined to do things differently, to meet new people, to change yourself almost. Yet still remaining the same at the core.

Why is it that the older we get the more we become stubborn, lazy and habit forming? Why do people lose the innate curiosity and imagination that we once had when we were 5 or 6 or 7 or 8? Or until the age that exams bogged us down and cramming useless facts and being distracted by guys suddenly drove all creativity and interest out the window until the only thing that was cool left, was to not care.

I find the older we get, because we think we know it all, because we think we have ALL the tools in the world do we approach things so wearily as though we've done them before and anything that distracts from the evil-ness that is Candy Crush or Youtube or Facebook or TV is not worth our time. Look, measure what you do and tell me that a fair percentage of it is NOT spent staring at a screen of some sort. It's sickening after a while.

Then there's the people who go, 'wah lau, how are you so active'...errr, are you changing the world by staying at home? I don't think so. Go DO something with your life goddamnit.

What's functional then? Other than the physical and social activities that I've been absorbed in, my functional goals for 2014 are:

1) To learn how to code
2) To learn how to build financial models with full bells and whistles

Let's see where this goes. Enough random crap on fb!

BANKS

I'm thinking it over
The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame
I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love but I don't wanna cause any pain
And if I'm feeling like I'm evil, we've got nothing to gain

What if I never even see you cause we're both on a stage
Don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same
I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game

Baby I'm thinking it over
What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start
What if it only gets colder
Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart
Cause lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are

Chase

I. Am. Quite. Exhausted.

Just a little. This year has been a disjoint and draining on a level that I've never quite experienced before. Bipolar too. Next time I'll just count my blessings and be done with it. If there's anything that this year has taught me, is that it has pushed to the forefront the realities that life is never going to be always the same and status quos always change.

So, hold on, because life is and has always been a bumpy ride, but really, make your choices and do your best with whatever you choose.

This weekend came off a high of wrapping up a busy piece at work and started out on a Friday with KFC, two cakes, satay and plenty of booze, finishing off with champagne in the pool, boisterous chicken fights-where I almost drowned- and a rambunctious game of Marco Polo which basically wiped all us 20 something's out. Man, what happened to playing in the pool for hours at a time?

This was followed up with a bridal party on saturday with spa dates and hi-tea at Carcosa, then a 12 hours tango marathon where we smashed the last record of 7am, finishing at 8am with pancakes and bacon (which I did not get any of). Passed out for 6 hours before heading to La Boca and DJ-ing at Radius where by that time I was totally uninspired to dance. It's true! Too much of a good thing isn't really good either...

Anyway, December. Jeezus, this year has just gone and disappeared down some black hole again.