Making Music

Joined in for Beethoven's 9th "Ode to Joy" over the past 2 months with the Community Orchestra. Listening to an orchestra go full steam ahead at prestissimo x 100 was such an amazing feeling, that and the tremulous, swell of -

Seid umschlungen, Millionen! Diesen Kuss der ganzen Welt! Brüder, über'm Sternenzelt Muss ein lieber Vater wohnen. Ihr stürzt nieder, Millionen? Ahnest du den Schöpfer, Welt? Such' ihn über'm Sternenzelt! Über Sternen muss er wohnen.

Be embraced, you millions! This kiss is for the whole world! Brothers, above the canopy of stars must dwell a loving father. Do you bow down before Him, you millions? Do you sense your Creator, o world? Seek Him above the canopy of stars! He must dwell beyond the stars.

This embrace of the arts, of dance, art, music is such a trinity that deserves way more recognition than it does nowadays. 

Yet again, I find myself being more involved in communities outside of my own country, maybe being away from home really does spur me to want to seek interesting things to do, whereas home is so comfortable that I do not feel the need to do anything different.

1 month into yoga and I'm loving it! It's such a nice feeling to look inward and utilise the power of a simple stretch which makes me sweat even more than more "active" sports actually does. Maybe it's about tapping into the areas of challenge (i.e. flexibility) that triggers the body to react in such a different way. I can do a plank for ages, but chaturanga kicks my ass. Here's to triceps and abs!

And January is almost over. I think it's been a good pilot month, here's to an exciting February. 

Hello 2015

It's been awhile since I blogged. I think I'm probably the last of the bunch who initially started with blogs over a decade ago, who's still turning to this to air her thoughts. My writing has veered from teenage angst to college woes and now I can no longer string decent sentences anymore due to consulting skills which require very funny sentence structures to fit everything in size 12 on one slide.

I have not been blogging as frequently due to a sheer lack of interest in wanting to express myself. Somewhere through this years project I started entertaining thoughts of just walking away. I have realised I'm turning into the exact hypocrite that I told myself I would never be, that I would never reach a stage where work becomes the all-consuming monster that eats into my time, my effort and my care. Well it did. It did for a fair chunk of the last quarter of this year and it started eating into everything else too, my want of keeping fit, with no more bootcamp times. My want of learning new things, it even started hampering Tango on a very serious scale and that was when I realised I have almost had enough.

Once this fuse finishes, let's see what next.

2014 was like a struggle through mud which soon turned into tar. As much as the airline tragedies have not affected me personally (thank you, whoever you are), it has left so much of a scar over the psyche of who we identify ourselves to be, our Nation, our people. Yes, the very nation that we often easily discard for the 'greener pastures' of other nations. Do nations die? I think they do, they die a slow, sad death when their people no longer believe in what they fundamentally stand for. Malaysia has been teetering on a very fine see saw over the past few years, but what next right?

And now, we have 2015. I almost wont to say, meh. MEH. 2012 was a year I recorded diligently, feeling extremely sad when it left. 2013 was the most horrible year on a personal scale to date, but 2014 took that and amplified it on a level beyond me.

2015, you will have to be extra special to be horrendous. I challenge you.

So many things have changed. I don't even know how to describe it, but if a family could collapse on itself both my literal one and figurative one, then 2013 saw that explode in the most spectacular fashion. 2014 seemed to just be a continuation of that, so you know what, 2015, you'll be my personal 2014.

What I have learnt through this period of my life is this. People come and go like waves, and sometimes you're close, sometimes they end up being the person who you don't know s*** about. Some relationships linger due to past alliances when they should just be buried, while some are like shooting stars, fleeting, but beautiful when they are around.

When you meet someone and you go, how are you? Often you search for exciting nuggets to tell them, big milestones of things, like oh, I'm moving countries, or I got a new job, or I have a bf/fiancee/husband/child.

Sometimes though, you realise there isn't much about your life that you want to share with them, or that, yes, things have been happening in your life, but you really just cannot be bothered to share it with them. Because? They haven't been around to see it happen. The death of these relationships tend to stack up, and sometimes I think they reflect in the very soul of the person you see standing before you.

Now how do I go about renewing myself?

2014 Resolutions

1) Travel to new places for Tango (...kinda failed at this)
2) Take up pole dancing (uh....for like 3 months)
3) 80% Bootcamp attendance (yeah, try 10%)
4) Learn how to code (absolute 0%)
5) Do a performance (ok quite a few of these so 300%!)
6) Consistent article writing (for about 5 months...)
7) Study for GMAT (absolute 0%)
8) Be more spontaneous (eh...50-50)



2015 Resolutions

1) Travel to new places for Tango (Istanbul! Korea!)
2) Take up Yoga
3) More performances for Tango
4) Continue Bootcamp
5) Take up new sport (boxing?)
6) Consider Grad School
7) Find something useful to contribute time to
8) Read more
9) Do a handstand

Passion

Winding down the year and reconsidering some of the passions that have developed over the years which have waned, slowly but surely. Some to a pleasant lull that will likely pick up again once plateau's are over (tango, still the main core interest), others relegated to a I-have-no-time-for-this phase (yoga, pole) and past passions with no more regular counterpart to keep up the interest (tennis). Then there are the latent ones, the ones which had required so many years of investment, but now barely feature in adult life (music).

Somehow have signed myself up for Choir on Sunday. I am terrible at singing, have never attempted to, and am now subjecting myself to choir in German. This should be interesting.

But the more you listen to people describe their passions, be it in the past, do you realise that the statement "everyone you meet knows something you don't" really rings true.

To rediscover that? Aye, that's the rub. Some people we meet later on in life seem to be passionless, and that's the most worrying thing isn't it? I've always admired the fact that when dance becomes the passion, it never quite wanes, and it is, the most expressive form and display of ones personality and physicality.

Especially Tango. Tango, oh tango.

Anonymous

Being in Singapore is kind of like being...in a Malaysian version of a Western city. But what's more important is, that I'm anonymous. I tend to end up with a completely different persona of myself whenever I'm taken out of my comfort zone, and sometimes I wonder why I do not do that when I'm in KL. Too much history?

Someone got down to the root of it when I say that I stay on weekends because I might as well make use of the time. Not really, it's more the fact that being away from home makes me so much more independent than if I were to be staying at home. Grown up? I think so.

Ann Arbor was kind of like that. Anytime I'm away from the home setting do I realise that, yes, I can survive and I'll be fine. I'm a grown up. Even if all I'm doing is pretending to be. Doesn't help that the equilibrium and rock of home has been turned upside down to the point that sometimes I wish I could just escape it all. Too many worries about the future. Too much guilt-tripping.

Sigh.

Job well done
Standing ovation
Yeah you got what you wanted
I guess you won
And I don't want to hear, they don't know you like I do
Even I could've told you
But now we're done

'Cause you play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I'm your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one's there for you back home
Don't cry to me, you played me wrong
You ruin me

I know you thought
That I wouldn't notice
You were acting so strange
I'm not that dumb
And in the end I hope she was worth it
I don't care if you loved me, you make me numb

'Cause you play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I'm your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one's there for you back home
Don't cry to me, you played me wrong
You ruin me

We're that song you wouldn't sing
Just a broken melody
You're killing me

You play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I'm your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one's there for you back home
Don't cry to me you played me wrong
You ruin me

Karma

We flew through a storm getting into KLIA on Friday, a real proper show of flashing lightning, swirling clouds and 15 backed up planes causing a 2 hour delay to a 1 hour flight.

Descent through the clouds reminded me of the cloudy murkiness that engulfed us diving in the waters of Sipadan in January, where the only distance you could see was up to the hand extended in front of you, a wall of coral on the left and on the right and below, nothingness stretching into blackness.

Dancing raindrops skittered across the plane of the double-paned window for what felt like eternity, all I could see was the dense white fog and the flashing illumination of our plane wing light reflecting off the mass of clouds. Sparkling sparkling raindrops reminding me of the million stars at the top of Rinjani at 530am. Before a break and there, Home lay below. The snaking lights of highways or the patches of neighbourhood lights, circles breaking the darkness, illuminating just only what was below them. A gate, a petrol station, nothing high rise, just monopoly-like houses.

Karma. This whole week feels like Karma. One week of dancing til 4am's and another of working til 2am's.

I am really. really. tired.

Of Beer and Crabs

I was always an awkward teenager. I don't think there's any way to deny it, but teenage years sucked between the acne, glasses and untameable hair.

Somewhere in between stuff grew out. The hair became far more versatile, acne finally cleared post uni with a dosage of Roac and the glasses was the last to go at the ripe old age of 25. Despite that, there's another set of worries coming about such as the impending wrinkles and tired eyes that don't seem to be going away. There really is such a thing as wearing your age on your face, and apparently I'm a bit too readable.

But obviously this is probably the top of the curve and it's all downhill from here, man I really need to be more optimistic.

Had a great time last weekend catching up with someone that I'd only really met in the earlier part of the year, but sometimes you do realise that you click with people in sudden and unexpected ways. Barring age differences. Conversations about family, about life, about food, about dancing. When conversation isn't forced it is so comfortable and I've realised that people I click with all have family issues. Don't know what it is, maybe it translates into a certain personality that has learnt how to deal with adversity from a very young age.

Besides that tried my first AcroYoga class with C and dinner at Newton after before rushing back to get ready for Sunday's milonga which was fun, other than a very violent crash of heels of which I was not the recipient of. Oops.

Good weekend are of course followed up with Mondays from hell. The usual.

Back home this weekend, CAN'T WAIT!

Checking In

6 month project in Sg has seen me move across the boundaries for a M-F job. So far hours have been hectic and I have yet to picture an outcome, which is..worrying at best. Catastrophic at worst, but you know, life will sort its shit out eventually. And nothing is as bad as it seems, unless it's a death. Then yes, it's really as bad as it seems.

Singapore so far has been a hectic world-wind of dancing, brunching, lunching, dinner-ing and a bit of drinking thrown in for good measure. There's quite a bit about being away from home (much like Uni felt) that often unleashes a very *ahem* manic Id side of me that the other sides often feel the backlash of for, far, far too long.

Crossing boats. Always. Why is that? Is it more of the fact I need to introduce more recklessness into my KL lifestyle, or is it that KL just isn't a conducive environment for it? Probably the latter.

But what can I change right? Forging my own career and destiny often felt like something I would look to pa for approval for, now that he's gone I often feel more adrift than ever. Elated at the possibilities, but so, so fearful because there are no check-ins anymore. Welcome to adulthood, here's the keys now go.

Life happens like that.